The Oscars are this weekend, and anyone with even a passing interest in film will likely see dozens upon dozens of articles prognosticating the ceremony’s winners, losers, and shockers. In an attempt to stake out unclaimed ground, Hassle film editor Oscar Goff has traveled the multiverse and landed in Earth-2, in which an entirely different slate of films and performances has been nominated. Oscar– our Oscar, that is– has sized up the contenders, and here presents his hottest tips for your transdimensional betting pool.

BEST PICTURE

All the Beauty and the Bloodshed
Athena
Barbarian
Decision to Leave
Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio
Nope
The Northman
RRR
White Noise
You Won’t Be Alone

As always here on Earth-2, Best Picture sees a wide spread of nominees, with the obligatory documentary, animated feature, and multiple foreign language films all represented. But if any category was sealed up before the season even began, it’s this one. RRR is the moment, still running in theaters nationwide after single-handedly pushing the movie industry back into the black (it will be a long, long time before anyone cares about western superhero films again). RRR will handily cap off its victory tour with a well-deserved win.

WILL WIN: RRR
SHOULD WIN: RRR
SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED: Everything Everywhere All at Once

BEST DIRECTOR

David Cronenberg, Crimes of the Future
Park Chan-wook, Decision to Leave
S.S. Rajamouli, RRR
Jane Schoenbrun, We’re All Going to the World’s Fair
Phil Tippett, Mad God

David Cronenberg is obviously the sentimental favorite here, edging out Steven Spielberg for the obligatory Elder Statesman spot. Five-time nominee Park Chan-wook is clearly a strong contender, and Tippett and Schoenbrun are impossible to ignore for their very different worlds of immersive weirdness. But see above: it’s S.S. Rajamouli’s world, and we’re all just living in it.

WILL WIN: Rajamouli
SHOULD WIN: Park
SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED: Steven Spielberg, The Fabelmans

BEST ACTOR

Dario Argento, Vortex
Tom Cruise, Top Gun: Maverick
Adam Driver, White Noise
Park Dae-il, Decision to Leave
Daniel Radcliffe, Weird: The Al Yankovic Story

Let’s get the elephant out of the room first: despite winning last year’s Best Actor trophy as part of the #AnnetteSweep, Adam Driver has been barred from the premises for slapping Best Documentary presenter David Cross live on stage at last year’s performance. Music biopics are always a safe bet, which will certainly bolster Radcliffe’s harrowing performance as the late singer-songwriter “Weird Al” Yankovic. But, even on Earth-2, the Academy loves a legacy nomination: Tom Cruise will walk home with his first Oscar since Eyes Wide Shut more than twenty years ago.

WILL WIN: Cruise
SHOULD WIN: Park
SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED: Colin Farrell, The Banshees of Inisherin

BEST ACTRESS

Anna Cobb, We’re All Going to the World’s Fair
Danielle Deadwyler, Till
Mia Goth, Pearl
Keke Palmer, Nope
Tang Wei, Decision to Leave

This category was more or less sewn up as soon as Till premiered at the New York Film Festival (can you imagine a world where Deadwyler wasn’t even nominated?). Still this is one of the strongest categories, particularly following Palmer’s surprise nomination after campaigning as Supporting. Cobb has been the darling of the campaign trail, but her day will come. Make no mistake: this is Deadwyler’s category to lose.

WILL WIN: Deadwyler
SHOULD WIN: Goth
SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED: Cate Blanchett, TÁR

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Rory Kinnear, Men
Justin Long, Barbarian
Tim Roth, Resurrection
Mark Rylance, Bones and All
Bokeem Woodbine, The Inspection

Another case of category confusion, as Kinnear was heavily tipped for a nomination in Lead (the SAG Awards were no help: they nominated him for Best Ensemble). This is truly the Year of the Creep, with Rylance and Roth playing stalkers, Kinnear playing an entire town of stalkers, and Long playing a slimy #MeToo’d sitcom star in the surprise Best Picture nominee Barbarian. But as unsavory as these characters are, none of them served as the placidly grinning face of the Bush-era War on Terror. The respectability of Woodbine’s psychotic drill sergeant makes him the creepiest of them all.

WILL WIN: Woodbine
SHOULD WIN: Kinnear
SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED: Ke Huy Quan, Everything Everywhere All at Once

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Dolly de Leon, Triangle of Sadness
Fatma Mohammed, Flux Gourmet
Rachel Sennott, Bodies Bodies Bodies
Kristen Stewart, Crimes of the Future
Tilda Swinton, The Eternal Daughter

Swinton, of course, launched separate campaigns for her dueling characters in The Eternal Daughter, landing in Supporting for her transformative performance as the elder half of the film’s mother-daughter duo. Mohammed’s performance in Flux Gourmet is instantly iconic, but given that she just won three years ago for Gourmet director Peter Strickland’s In Fabric it’s likely that the Academy will opt to spread the wealth. De Leon, meanwhile, has run on a simple message: a vote for her is a vote for not getting one’s head bashed in with a large rock.

WILL WIN: de Leon
SHOULD WIN: Stewart
SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED: Stephanie Hsu, Everything Everywhere All at Once