Aries

You used to take Ambien, a prescription sleep medication, recreationally and stay “awake,” entering a hallucinogenic dream state and blurting out non-sequiturs in response to the intense visuals. Now that you’ve sobered up, you can employ Sleepy Time tea, ingested at an early hour: the experience is wholly different but in a state of deep relaxation weird shit still comes out of your mouth.

Lucky Show: Crank Sturgeon @ Deep Thoughts

Taurus

The worst part about babysitting bad kids to save up money to see a concert is when the children recreate the band’s logo with their own feces.

Lucky Show: Lina Tullgren @ First Parish Cambridge Unitarian

Gemini

Now that you’re too old to be harvested for your eggs, your only option is to be a surrogate if you wish to work in the hormonal sector.

Lucky Show: Roman Flügel @ Middlesex

Cancer

If you get in a fight on the Internet, you can usually just win by writing: “Do you hear that? It’s like a clicking…? Oh! I know! It’s the sound of people screencapping your Tinder profile so they can send it to their friends and laff!”

Lucky Show: Bad History Month @ Great Scott

Leo

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” is an inappropriate Christmas song because A) one of the singers is being too persistent with the other and B) it’s 50 degrees in December nowadays. Sometimes 45. You can’t call that “cold.”

Lucky Show: Frank Hurricane @ Dorchester Art Project

Virgo

Virgo would like to be buried along a fault line, so that in the event of an earthquake their coffin should become an underground maraca.

Lucky Show: Bitchin Bajas @ Studio 550

Libra

There is no such thing as a warm blanket. When you get in bed, you warm the blanket. When the heat is off you are the heater. When you throw a French fry to a squirrel you are (momentarily) God.

Lucky Show: Minibeast @ Deep Thoughts

Scorpio

If you shouldn’t toss out food because there are people without food then technically you shouldn’t stop playing XBOX because there are people who aren’t playing XBOX at all.

Lucky Show: Malcolm Goldstein @ Cafe Fixe

Sagittarius

One zodiac sign’s “refrigerated jar of olives” is Sagittarius’ “virgin dirty martini.”

Lucky Show: Chill Sesh & Friends @ Midway Cafe

Aquarius

Telling Aquarius to “hold the phone” used to mean “wait,” but now it means “breathe,” because Aquarius is always holding their phone.

Lucky Show: Boston Cream @ Zuzu

Capricorn

Physiologically speaking Capricorn can never be rid of their urge to pee until they accomplish their dreams. That’s why they’re always putting out new albums while simultaneously doing that weird little dance.

Lucky Show: The Dream Syndicate @ ONCE

Pisces

Your future self is watching you read these horoscopes through your memories and is either pleased you attended or disappointed you missed your lucky show.

Lucky Show: Bastian Void @ La Laboratoire Cambridge