Aries
You struggle with the concept that another person could be more appealing than you are, either in word or deed or with significantly more likes on their selfies. People are drawn to those who amuse them, sure, but they are even more interested in a person about whom the very act of appreciation speaks to their own sophistication. So make smarter jokes, and get your mind outta the worm-crawling fecal lumps! Lucky Show: Boy Harsher @ Deep Thoughts JP

Taurus
Who needs expensive drugs and special edition research chemicals to get jacked out of their mind and babble the truth when America’s Food Basket sells maca powder for $5.99. One tablespoon and you’ll be unlocking passages of your mind that you had hoped were sealed in a tremendous avalanche, leaving its inhabitants lifeless but fully preserved. Lucky Show: Xiu Xiu @ Elk’s Lodge

Gemini
If you’re “single” but “Tindering” try disguising your room as not-a-smelly-pile-of-crumbs-old-skin-cells-plastic-tupperwears-of-books-you-bought-in-college-and-weed-only-a-father-would-smoke. Lucky Show: What Cheer? Brigade @ ONCE

Cancer
Don’t look at pictures of your ex’s dog while you’re tripping on mushrooms! First of all put your phone away. Secondly nobody procured the fungus for you so that you could enter a heightened state of “what could have been…” Lucky Show: Frank Hurricane @ Blue Bag

Leo
Generally “seeing” “the good side” of a “situation” is as easy as not ignoring its blatant existence in order to furnish your self-victimizing k-hole of despair! If it isn’t that easy there probably is no good side. Lucky Show: Jeff Parker (of Tortoise) @ Deep Thoughts JP

Virgo
Cheating? Fist fights? These are basically premeditated acts that alcohol gives you the gall to go through with. But excessive growths of yeast? Flabby midriffs? Poops the color of honey mustard? Blame it on the al-a-a-al-a-alcohol. Lucky Show: Helltrap Nightmare @ Midway Cafe

Libra
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we’d all have a wonderful Christmas. If you’re arguing with someone about a specific topic, bringing up analogous circumstances with (what you believe to be) one aspect changed from the situation at hand may serve to bring down your faulty view. Lucky Show: TRIM @ Holden Chapel

Scorpio
Don’t pretend to hate salad! Salad is good for you! Lettuces scrub the interior of your intestines! Don’t act like you don’t need an internal power washing. We all know you do. Lucky Show: DENT @ Middle East

Sagittarius
Nobody’s ejaculate is pee. If you want your face to be peed on that’s an entirely different request that needs to be formally submitted for consideration. Lucky Show: Missdick Vibrocis @ Deep Thoughts JP

Aquarius
Vaping is a great way to curb cigarette smoking *and* disappear in a thick cloud of strawberry smog to avoid being confronted by your two romantic partners who just learned about each other’s existence in your bed/shower/car/heart. Lucky Show: Midisexual @ Teacher’s Lounge

Pisces
Sometimes bae surprises you with a spicy new kink (like waterboarding or a series of different-sized constricting belts) but sometimes bae just puts on a blindfold and bumps into walls like a roomba. Lucky Show: Solei @ 85 Seaverns