Aries
You like your romantic partners the way you like your coffee: submerged in ice ‘til they’re the temperature of a cadaver and yet still highly capable of loosening your stools with excitement! Lucky Show: Fat Creeps @ Deep Thoughts
Taurus
There is no shame in not knowing; the shame lies in pretending to know, and then pretending to not be able to hear when someone asks a follow-up question while jogging away. Lucky Show: Tacocat @ Great Scott
Gemini
Revenge is a dish best served cold, but don’t expect a decent tip after that kind of inhospitable shit. Lucky Show: Village of Spaces @ Deep Thoughts
Cancer
Not only should you look a gift horse in the mouth, you should check all of the orifices for signs of bacterial infection; horse suppositories can be pricey! Lucky Show: Dame @ Great Scott
Leo
Give a friend a weed oil cartridge and they’ll be high for a month. Teach them how to get their own medical card and they’ll be vaping thick Jerr clouds for a lifetime. Lucky Show: Ash & Herb @ DAP
Virgo
Drop food on the floor seven times, pick it up eight times and eat it. Lucky Show: Durt Dog @ Midway Cafe
Libra
Speak the truth, but make sure your bike is already unlocked so you can zip the fuck outta there afterward. Lucky Show: Neck @ DAP
Scorpio
A bird does not sing because it has an answer; it sings because it’s horny. Lucky Show: Amen Dunes @ Sinclair
Sagittarius
An eye for an eye sounds callous but it’s always better if you can figure out an even trade and leave money out of the equation. Lucky Show: Glenn Jones @ DAP
Aquarius
An eagle ripping apart carrion with its face covered with blood in the middle of the road is worth two in cages at the zoo. Lucky Show: Bong Wish @ Opus
Capricorn
Good advice is always annoying, while bad advice sounds fun as fuck and generally comes from someone who is hoping to end your existence and steal your life. Lucky Show: Peter J Woods @ Gallows Hill Theatre
Pisces
Love is not a drug. Love is a parasitic infestation and sometimes drugs are required to deworm your heart. Lucky Show: The Water Cycle @ O’Brien’s
