Aries

It would make more sense if it was harder to get pregnant and easier to give birth, but ok.

Lucky Show: Helltrap Nightmare at Midway Cafe

Taurus

You’ll be heading to your partner’s Italian Family Easter Feast, where you’ll be “grilled” alongside a baffling assortment of heartburn-inducing delights. Be sure to tell Nonna Maria that you noticed how the old country’s flag represents their 3 major sauces: pesto, alfredo, and ragu!

Lucky Show: Samuel Boat @ Deep Thoughts

Gemini

Every time you compliment someone’s smile, the rest of their stupid ol’ skeleton sighs, “what about me…“

Lucky Show: Brittle Brian @ Blue Bag

Cancer

If it’s too sunny for your eyes then it’s too sunny for your dog’s eyes! Put sunglasses on him: for his comfort, and so everyone else can see that he’s a righteous dude.

Lucky Show: Eric Copeland @ DAP

Leo

You recently started dating someone who loves hockey and it’s time for the Stanley Cup, apparently. If you’re bored or confused by the game, just imagine the puck is The Last Oreo, or a Bitcoin. You’ll see why everybody loses teeth over it!

Lucky Show: 4/20 @ Deep Thoughts

Virgo

Time to quit smoking. Apparently the whole “body is a temple” thing didn’t work on you, so try: your body is a computer and you’re intentionally downloading viruses.

Lucky Show: TRIM @ First Church Somerville

Libra

Now that you’re an orphan, every snack is family sized.

Lucky Show: Birthday Ass @ Midway Cafe

Scorpio

Watch what you say on the Internet! Not because the government is watching, or because your boss knows your fake name on Facebook. In the future, your grandchildren are going to research you as part of a school project, and you owe these never-before-thought-of future beings the lie of your overall decency!

Lucky Show: U.S. Girls @ Great Scott

Sagittarius

The only thing that should smell like cheese is cheese. If any of your bodily secretions smell like cheese, please hang up and dial 9-1-1.

Lucky Show: Wei Zhongle @ Lilypad

Capricorn

Common misconception among Caps: chicken drumsticks are “the lollipop” of meat. Fam, they’re actually the leg of an animal, and their “paper sticks” are dirty bones, so you can’t just throw them on the sidewalk. It’s morbid!

Lucky Show: Lisa/Liza @ Deep Thoughts

Aquarius

Avoid causing permanent damage when you’re temporarily upset 🙁

Lucky Show: Acid Mothers Temple @ Great Scott

Pisces

You want to have a more steady hookup or even a real-ass lover and you’re scouring the dating apps to make it happen. Butt remember! Love is like a cloud of intestinal gas that you wanna fart out—if you force it too hard, it could go straight to shit.

Lucky Show: The Residents @ Brighton Music Hall

—Alaina Stamatis