by Brian Schropp
A lot of people come up to me on a daily basis. They say, “Brian, when are you ever going to share your voluminous knowledge of breakfast sandwiches with the world? For a great span, I felt strongly that the moment was not upon us. We were still passing through a strange cycle of fear, of suspicion of the breakfast sandwich. Lankville had not fully embraced the phenomenon. No knowledge could yet be imparted.
In the last few years, however, I have noticed a change. I have heard the rich man say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” I have heard the erudite man say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” And I have even heard the frightening, mountain dirt cave hillbilly say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” I have been moved by this sense of justice and federation. And so I have agreed to undertake this new feature. I am proud to present to you, Lankville, Today in Breakfast Sandwiches.
Today, we’ll be looking at two of Lankville’s more notable creations.
PAPPY’S CHICKEN AND BISCUITS
Pappy’s Chicken and Biscuits is one of Lankville’s more notable purveyor of “hastily-concocted viands.” In 1997, they introduced their first breakfast sandwich, a biscuit with a slice of thick ham topped with ranch sauce, which was an enormous failure. “Customers were pretty vocal in regards to its poor taste and texture,” noted former Pappy’s CEO Ivan Calderon. “The ham was sliced in a sort of layered way, making it look like a tiny step-stool. It was hard to eat,” admitted Calderon, who spearheaded an initiative to include egg and sausage on Pappy’s second venture into the field of breakfast hoagies.
Pappy’s turned to H.X. Approval, who had designed successful breakfast sandwiches for several island chains in the 1990’s. “I knew right away what I wanted to do with Pappy’s,” said Approval. “Breakfast sandwiches are man’s great equalizer. They bring people of all races and some colors together. If you’ve experienced great creeping horrors, the breakfast sandwich is a healer,” Approval added.
In 2001, Pappy’s introduced the “Copious Bulker”—an instant hit in all Lankville markets. “It’s two eggs with two types of sausages shoved in between,” Approval explained. “You’ve got links on either side of a patty. The links cradle the paddle in there, keeping it safe the warm and, at the same time, kind of caressing it erotically.” Approval briefly excused himself but shortly returned. “On top of the sausages, you have a round, perfectly compressed slice of ham. We were able to concisely summarize taste in that thin slice. That’s really the only way to describe it.”
Lankville agrees. The Copious Bulker has sold over five hundred billion sandwiches since 2001.
THE VITIELLO DECORATIVE BREAKFAST SANDWICH
Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc. introduced their decorative breakfast sandwich in 2004. Although initially met with skepticism, it has since garnered a loyal following. “What makes my sandwich work is that it is both edible and decorative,” noted founder and CEO Chris Vitiello. “The edible component slides out easily and may be consumed by the rapacious sort of philistine that feels the need to shove a breakfast sandwich down his greed-lined gullet and then the decorative component, which is the true aesthetic component—the true work of art—will hopefully be appreciated by the same sort of vulgarian that would feel the need to purchase such a heinous object in the first place.” Vitiello removed a whip from a desk drawer and placed it between us.
I carefully admitted that this was one of my main objections to the Vitiello Decorative Breakfast Sandwich. “It is nearly ten times the cost of the Pappy’s sandwich,” I pointed out. There was a long silence.
“Is that so, Mr. Schropp?” Vitiello finally answered.
“Yes,” I conceded.
Vitiello ran his finger slowly along the whip.
“You know where this is going to end, don’t you, Schropp?” he finally asked.
I very slowly got out of my chair and backed away towards the door. Vitiello’s steely eyes followed me. I crept down the ill-lit hallway. The elevator was out, so I had to take a service lift. I felt that, somehow, I could hear the crack of a whip somewhere. I made it to the street.
When I looked back up towards Vitiello’s office, I saw him standing in the window, holding the whip. He was pointing at me, then pointing at the whip. His eyes were like great shards of menace.
Next week, we’ll be taking a look at two more Lankville breakfast sandwiches.