Aries

Always use the hand sanitizer after relieving yourself in a porta potty. For one, germs, but more importantly, you’ll exit the poop tube wringing your hands as though you were in there devising a diabolical plan.

Lucky Show: Grateful Dead Family Night @ Deep Thoughts

Taurus

If you want to get people to say nice things about you, fake your death! In Mark Twain times faking your death involved jumping off bridge and disappearing into the night. And hearing the compliments required you to hide in the rafters at your funeral. Very messy. It’s so much easier in the Internet age! Just convince one person to post about how sad they are that you’re gone, and then watch the love roll in in real time! Lucky Show: Grouper @ Somerville Armory

Gemini

If you post on the Internet that the housing shortage has led you to live under a bridge, then you’re a troll.

Lucky Show: Ava Luna @ Great Scott

Cancer

The more times we as a civilization play “Ms. Jackson,” the closer Andre 3000 gets to apologizing a trillion times.

Lucky Show: Luer @ Hotel Vernon

Leo

Being constipated is a problem you can run away from.

Lucky Show: Pantha Du Prince @ Brighton Music Hall

Virgo

Unboxing videos seem a lot more reasonable if the item slowly being revealed is a greased human body.

Lucky Show: Banshee @ Midway Cafe

Libra

Quit your job, move to DC, camp out in front of the Pentagon selling shirts that read “Army Barbers Shave Their Privates.”

Lucky Show: The Jesus Lizard @ Royale

Scorpio

If you do end up accidentally killing someone and need help hiding the body, contact your friend who has a life-size sex doll. They probably have a lot of experience making that bulky thing disappear.

Lucky Show: Mark Hosler (Negativland) @ DAP

Sagittarius

Confusing, convoluted and ultimately niche art rarely receives the big accolades. For instance, Fight Club was barred from winning an Oscar because the Academy wasn’t allowed to talk about it.

Lucky Show: Carinae @ O’Brien’s

Aquarius

A blender can be a fog machine if you don’t put enough liquid in it.

Lucky Show: Umfang @ Middlesex

Capricorn

Maybe Google keeps asking if you want to create a folder just for memes so it can figure out the algorithm for being funny. Another weird thing to consider: Google knows that you’re funny.

Lucky Show: Proud Parents @ Lilypad

Pisces

If you’ve hooked up with more than 1,200 people, you’re probably one of the more popular new attractions in Boston.

Lucky Show: Princess Nokia @ Middle East