News From Lankville

Presidential Poll Results In; Sturdy Teddy to Recover


By Otho Ump

Results of the first national Lankville Presidential Poll were released this morning.

President Pondicherry continues to hold a slight lead over challengers David Hadbawnik of the Gourd Party and Ric Royer of Hell. Only 39 people in the country voted.

“We were disappointed in the turnout but lusciously pleased with the results,” said Pondicherry, who attended a small breakfast in which cakes resembling deep sea sponges were served. “People should be ashamed that they didn’t participate in the democratic process, however — if you didn’t participate, I want you to write to me. Tell me why you didn’t participate. Give me all the reasons even if they don’t immediately seem relevant. Are you too busy late at night for example? Those moments when the sheets are warm with your body heat and…”

The President was interrupted by an aide and led away.

Bringing up the rear of the poll were Sturdy Teddy (shot) of the Mountain Party at 12.82% and Amanda Jennifers of the Morality Party at 7.69%. Randy Pendleton and Dr. Nickelbee received only one vote each.

“Everything has a season, including gourds,” said a Sturdy Teddy supporter, who refused to be identified and was later involved in a challenge. “Sturdy Teddy knows not to mess with tradition.”

A second Presidential poll will be posted in a few weeks.

In other news, candidate Teddy is expected to recover after being shot numerous times at close range yesterday.

“He’s doing well, resting, some eating,” said attending physician Dr. Yothers. “We actually lost him for awhile — for a good two hours we couldn’t find him. Then, we discovered we had left him in a distant basement room.”

Dr. Yothers giggled strangely.

“What a caper!” he added.

Sturdy Teddy is expected to hold a short press conference in a few days.

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