Aries

Next time your significant other gets on the ground to pick up a baggy of drugs they claim to have just found, only to turn to you on bended knee and present you with a glistening engagement ring, try not to look *that* disappointed there wasn’t really a mysterious pill or powder after all.

Lucky Show: Guantanamo Baywatch @ Deep Thoughts

Taurus

Now that it’s dipped below 60 degrees you can finally set your loins a’flame by slipping on a pumpkin spice Trojan condom or slipping in a pumpkin spice Tampax Ultra or slipping because a wet floor was recently cleaned with cinnamon-nutmeg Fabuloso.

Lucky Show: Ariel Pink @ Brighton Music Hall

Gemini

If you got money back from school every time you received an A for a class, having shitty grades would become a status symbol, so Gemini would flunk out.

Lucky Show: Lee Ranaldo @ ONCE

Cancer

If the guitarist of your favorite jam band happens to be performing with your local philharmonic then prepare to suck nitrous from a birthday balloon in your finest evening wear.

Lucky Show: Xiu Xiu @ Hassle Fest

Leo

All of your non-biodegradable sex toys will surely be titillating for future alien archaeologists. Lucky Show: Ono @ Hassle Fest

Virgo

You took the Chinatown bus to a nearby American city and became irate after the bathroom break at Burger King when the whole bus was infused with fried smells and the low hum of weary travelers chewing with their mouths open. Next trip, learn to stop worrying and love the chicken fries. Lucky Show: Jazz Massagers @ Paulson Stained Glass

Libra

Next time you’re driving in a lane that is ending, speed up and begin yelling, “I BELIEVE IN ONE LANE, THE MERGER ALMIGHTY, MAKER OF NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES AND MIRTH…” Lucky Show: Major Stars @ Deep Thoughts

Scorpio

Scorpio likes their velvet crushed and their ice in normal cubes that smell (and taste!) like the bag of compost that is spilling out all over your freezer. Just kidding nobody likes that, next time clean your fridge. Lucky Show: Lina Tullgren @ Great Scott

Sagittarius

People have literally died waiting for you to respond to their friend request. And upon hearing of their departure from Earth, you friend them back and pretend that the two of you had broken bread as the guilt devours you. Next time just delete unidentifiable creep requests before it’s too late. Lucky Show: Guerilla Toss @ Elk’s Lodge

Aquarius

Youth is wasted on the young, wealth is wasted on the old, and stealth is wasted on the squirrels. We just want to kiss ya, little guys, no need to hide. Lucky Show: White Boy And The Average Rat Band @ Deep Thoughts

Capricorn

If you want to be a Master of seeing DIY shows, you’ll need to see approx 3,333 shows, which will cost you approx $17,000, which is significantly cheaper than getting your Masters at Mass Art. Just sayin’. Lucky Show: Elvis Depressedly @ Royale

Pisces

Every time you use toilet paper that you personally paid for, you’re essentially wiping your ass with your own money. Butt unlike actual US monetary units, toilet paper isn’t even tainted with small amounts of shitty cocaine. So save yourself a trip to the convenience store and stick to the hard, green, presidential stuff.

Lucky Show: Hot Snakes @ Middle East