Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.

It is very important to understand if you are: 1. male and 2. suffering from horrifying relentless inner torment. If both qualifiers are true, it is important to stay away from high balconies. You want to live, you just want to end that relentless inner torment that we talked about earlier. And the best thing to do is contact Dr. Kevin Thurston, expert on men’s feelings.

Right now, Dr. Kevin Thurston is having a “summer feelings sale”. For just $49.95 (Lankville taxes included), you can meet with me in my cool, damp office basement (I have those thick glass blocks to prevent the theft of collectibles) and discuss your “feelings health profile board”. We will carefully go over your personal experiences, point out your various character flaws and end with a short session in which various objects will be offered to you at discount prices. Right now, we have a nice orange rug, for example. It’s got a pad beneath it to prevent slipping. Just $29.95, adds zest and a certain quality of orangish elegance to living spaces, small and large.

If you think your feelings health profile board is just fine, Dr. Kevin Thurston has a message for you: it can always be better. And I’m here for you (until 3:45 PM). As a man who has suffered from a deeply-damaged feelings health profile board, I can say from experience that it doesn’t make you less of a man. It just means that you need my analysis. I may suggest several methods of reconstruction: it could be writing and performing your own three-hour wordless autobiographical one-man play (which is what I did), it could be joining me on a journey of discovery and fear (which is what some others have done) or it could be buying some things at discount prices.

So if you need a friendly ear to listen to you or a friendly mouth to say some things to you, you can know you can count on Dr. Kevin Thurston.

Expert on men’s feelings.

This article has been paid for by Dr. Kevin Thurston. Photo by Gregory Marinaccio.