Aries

Your New Year’s Resolution is to give or to receive (whichever t’is better) road head from the safety of a self-driving car.

Lucky Show: Tyvek @ Deep Thoughts

Taurus

They say the way you spend New Year’s Eve is indicative of how your whole year will be. You started the song “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins at 11:56pm so that the drum break hit at the stroke of midnight, so it looks like for rest of 2018 you will still be a nerd.

Lucky Show: Victoria Shen @ Cafe Fixe

Gemini

Now that you’ve learned that elephants think humans are cute because they’re smaller (the way we think smaller mammals are cute) your New Year’s Resolution is to become the pet of an elephant. And just think: they’ll always feed and walk you on time because an elephant never forgets!

Lucky Show: Jazz Massagers @ Midway Cafe

Cancer

Your New Year’s Resolution is to stop telling drowning folks to “just breathe.”

Lucky Show: Don Gero @ Trixie’s Palace

Leo

Your New Year’s Resolution is to save money on ambulance rides by binge drinking at the hospital.

Lucky Show: Nervous Eaters @ Thunder Road

Virgo

Your New Year’s Resolution was going to be to use your car in the freezing cold as a refrigerator until the refrigerator in your apartment is cleaned out and the stench of rot isn’t emanating from it, but I think your New Year’s Resolution is to move out.

Lucky Show: Dust From 1000 Yrs @ O’Briens

Libra

Your power move for 2018 is to buy a frozen pizza from a grocery ordering service; that way the pie will be delivery *and* DiGiorno.

Lucky Show: !@#$% @ Studio 550

Scorpio

Your whole life you’ve treated the Internet as an escape from Real Life; this year, use Real Life to escape from the Internet.

Lucky Show: Dreamscape 13 @ Hope Church

Sagittarius

Your New Year’s Resolution is to raise and care for chickens. That way you can self-identify as a “chicken tender.”

Lucky Show: Break the Chains @ Makeshift Boston

Aquarius

You’ve decided you want to be more conscious of your diet for 2018. Good thing your favorite overpriced drink – vanilla soy latte – constitutes a liquid 3-bean salad.

Lucky Show: Ramona Cardova @ Bardo

Capricorn

You’re always misplacing your weed and leaving your rolled-up baggy at friends’ houses. Your New Year’s Resolution should be to adopt a retired K9 to help you find your stash.

Lucky Show: Dressage @ Deep Thoughts

Pisces

Your New Year’s Resolution is to get a cell phone for your cat or dog, if only because they will definitely make a picture of you their background.

Lucky Show: Lyres @ Thunder Road