Articles from the Boston Compass, Boston Compass

JANUARY COMPASS: Droppin the Scope

by

Aries

 

Your New Year’s Resolution is to give or to receive (whichever t’is better) road head from the safety of a self-driving car.

 

Lucky Show: Tyvek @ Deep Thoughts

 

Taurus

 

They say the way you spend New Year’s Eve is indicative of how your whole year will be. You started the song “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins at 11:56pm so that the drum break hit at the stroke of midnight, so it looks like for rest of 2018 you will still be a nerd.

 

Lucky Show: Victoria Shen @ Cafe Fixe

 

Gemini

 

Now that you’ve learned that elephants think humans are cute because they’re smaller (the way we think smaller mammals are cute) your New Year’s Resolution is to become the pet of an elephant. And just think: they’ll always feed and walk you on time because an elephant never forgets!

 

Lucky Show: Jazz Massagers @ Midway Cafe

 

Cancer

 

Your New Year’s Resolution is to stop telling drowning folks to “just breathe.”

 

Lucky Show: Don Gero @ Trixie’s Palace

 

Leo

 

Your New Year’s Resolution is to save money on ambulance rides by binge drinking at the hospital.

 

Lucky Show: Nervous Eaters @ Thunder Road

 

Virgo

 

Your New Year’s Resolution was going to be to use your car in the freezing cold as a refrigerator until the refrigerator in your apartment is cleaned out and the stench of rot isn’t emanating from it, but I think your New Year’s Resolution is to move out.

 

Lucky Show: Dust From 1000 Yrs @ O’Briens

 

Libra

 

Your power move for 2018 is to buy a frozen pizza from a grocery ordering service; that way the pie will be delivery *and* DiGiorno.

 

Lucky Show: [email protected]#$% @ Studio 550

 

Scorpio

 

Your whole life you’ve treated the Internet as an escape from Real Life; this year, use Real Life to escape from the Internet.

 

Lucky Show: Dreamscape 13 @ Hope Church

 

Sagittarius

 

Your New Year’s Resolution is to raise and care for chickens. That way you can self-identify as a “chicken tender.”

 

Lucky Show: Break the Chains @ Makeshift Boston

 

Aquarius

 

You’ve decided you want to be more conscious of your diet for 2018. Good thing your favorite overpriced drink – vanilla soy latte – constitutes a liquid 3-bean salad.

 

Lucky Show: Ramona Cardova @ Bardo

 

Capricorn

 

You’re always misplacing your weed and leaving your rolled-up baggy at friends’ houses. Your New Year’s Resolution should be to adopt a retired K9 to help you find your stash.

 

Lucky Show: Dressage @ Deep Thoughts

 

Pisces

 

Your New Year’s Resolution is to get a cell phone for your cat or dog, if only because they will definitely make a picture of you their background.

 

Lucky Show: Lyres @ Thunder Road

 

Liked it? Take a second to support BOSTON HASSLE on Patreon!
Tags: ,

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 License(unless otherwise indicated) © 2019