Your New Year’s Resolution is to give or to receive (whichever t’is better) road head from the safety of a self-driving car.
Lucky Show: Tyvek @ Deep Thoughts
They say the way you spend New Year’s Eve is indicative of how your whole year will be. You started the song “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins at 11:56pm so that the drum break hit at the stroke of midnight, so it looks like for rest of 2018 you will still be a nerd.
Lucky Show: Victoria Shen @ Cafe Fixe
Now that you’ve learned that elephants think humans are cute because they’re smaller (the way we think smaller mammals are cute) your New Year’s Resolution is to become the pet of an elephant. And just think: they’ll always feed and walk you on time because an elephant never forgets!
Lucky Show: Jazz Massagers @ Midway Cafe
Your New Year’s Resolution is to stop telling drowning folks to “just breathe.”
Lucky Show: Don Gero @ Trixie’s Palace
Your New Year’s Resolution is to save money on ambulance rides by binge drinking at the hospital.
Lucky Show: Nervous Eaters @ Thunder Road
Your New Year’s Resolution was going to be to use your car in the freezing cold as a refrigerator until the refrigerator in your apartment is cleaned out and the stench of rot isn’t emanating from it, but I think your New Year’s Resolution is to move out.
Lucky Show: Dust From 1000 Yrs @ O’Briens
Your power move for 2018 is to buy a frozen pizza from a grocery ordering service; that way the pie will be delivery *and* DiGiorno.
Lucky Show: !@#$% @ Studio 550
Your whole life you’ve treated the Internet as an escape from Real Life; this year, use Real Life to escape from the Internet.
Lucky Show: Dreamscape 13 @ Hope Church
Your New Year’s Resolution is to raise and care for chickens. That way you can self-identify as a “chicken tender.”
Lucky Show: Break the Chains @ Makeshift Boston
You’ve decided you want to be more conscious of your diet for 2018. Good thing your favorite overpriced drink – vanilla soy latte – constitutes a liquid 3-bean salad.
Lucky Show: Ramona Cardova @ Bardo
You’re always misplacing your weed and leaving your rolled-up baggy at friends’ houses. Your New Year’s Resolution should be to adopt a retired K9 to help you find your stash.
Lucky Show: Dressage @ Deep Thoughts
Your New Year’s Resolution is to get a cell phone for your cat or dog, if only because they will definitely make a picture of you their background.
Lucky Show: Lyres @ Thunder Road