Aries
10% of success is showing up. The other 90 is looking clean and saying that you’d be
interested in pumping frozen yogurt for the next 36 months. But remember: shitty jobs are where
life dreams go on vacation and after two weeks the coast guard stops looking for them. Source of hydration: recycled pee
Lucky Show: Juiceboxxx @ Out of the Blue Too
Taurus
The weather is so nice now that there isn’t any reason for you to be getting in Internet fights. Source of hydration: discounted cases of LaCroix from Whole Foods
Lucky Show: Good Willsmith @ Industry Lab
Gemini
Not all who wander get, “Not all who wander are lost,” tattooed to their upper back; just idiot
runners. Source of hydration: refrigerated breastpumped milk
Lucky Show: TRIM @ JP Porch Fest
Cancer
Once upon a time you were falling in love but now you’re only chest down on the sidewalk with
a dislocated jaw in a small pool of blood resembling a teddybear, a few feet away from your
newly estranged teeth. Source of hydration: Budweiser aka America
Lucky Show: JOSS @ Cafe Fixe
Leo
Don’t conduct superfluous séances and demon summonings because afterward, when you’re
getting drunk with your friends and talking about how you didn’t see anything scary, your
innocent cat will be tortured by the angry spirits whirling around your home. Source of hydration: free seltzer from Clover
Lucky Show: Pete Negroponte & Fat Bobby @ Deep Thoughts JP
Virgo
If your bathroom was cleaner then maybe dozens of flies wouldn’t use it for their house of
prostitution. Source of hydration: Sleepytime tea
Lucky Show: Cloud Becomes Your Hand @ the Record Company
Libra
You can either go on a shopping spree or you can fight with your girlfriend in public, but you
can’t yell, “Is that my fault? Is that my fault? Tell me, is that my fault?” with a wrist full of Harvard
COOP bags. Source of hydration: the smile on your son’s face
Lucky Show: Aspects of War @ Hardcore Stadium
Scorpio
Your soul is so pure that strangers on the street lock eyes with you, even if you’re wearing a rain
poncho and they can’t see the booty. Source of hydration: the smile below your girlfriend’s hips
Lucky Show: Teacher Mother Secret Lover @ Makeout Point
Sagittarius
Your version of Prometheus Bound is one when you are chained for a rock while gynecologists
remove slivers of your vagina and/or asshole and a cassette of the Coathangers plays on loop. Source of hydration: coffee ice cubes
Lucky Show: The Coathangers @ ONCE
Capricorn
In anticipation of your summerlong tour following the American rock band Phish, you’ll need the
following: sunscreen, gooballs, molly, inflatable cactus, JerrBear blanket, oval “international”
bumper stickers that read THC or DMT or LSD to sell in the parking lot, your user login for
PhantasyTour (so you can get in Internet fights), and to take care of your shoes. Source of hydration: melted Phish Food
Lucky Show: Saralee @ Lilypad
Aquarius
You’re afraid of attending the big DNC protest #SeeYouInPhilly because of the possibility of
being detained, handcuffed by zip ties and enduring senseless hours without snacks or water or
a chance to defecate in privacy, but that welldocumented suffering is exactly what aids the fight
for true democracy within our Republic. And anyway you’ll be in directed contact with a ton of
helplesslybound honeys. Source of hydration: FEMA water
Lucky Show: Birthing Hips @ Banana Hammock
Pisces
A woman on the street will offer you a psychic reading for $5 (and then offer you tea candles
and some clean rocks to take home for another $15). Politely turn it down. You already receive
broad, inaccurate advice for free. Source of hydration: one of those $5$15 juices from Life Alive
Lucky Show: Neptune @ the Record Company
