Aries
Is Boston a melting pot for reviled subcultures? A hulking vegan Rainbow Gathering where Phish phans can “steam” Faygo into a techno “crust” across their Crocs? Sounds fun as long as no Men’s Rights Activists are involved.
Favorite haiku subject: rabbits
Lucky Show: Isabella @ Lily Pad
Taurus
Sooner or later all of your enemies will move back in with their parents.
Favorite haiku subject: smashing the Patriarchy
Lucky Show: Sissy Spacek @ Deep Thoughts JP
Gemini
Now that you’ve trained your pussy to “snatch” drones out of the sky, the combination of a rapidly approaching police state and impending revolt spells ~Job Security~ for you and your hawk-like hole.
Favorite haiku subject: Big Data
Lucky Show: Scroll Downers @ Out of the Blue
Cancer
You are so relieved that your significant other doesn’t have a smartphone and is sober. If they were instead instagramming micro-brews, you would actually die of dehydration (re: shame diarrhea).
Favorite haiku subject: addiction
Lucky Show: Birthing Hips @ Grandma’s House
Leo
When handling venomous snakes, be sure to establish dominance using a calm, stern tone. If you get too rowdy with an angry cobra your last words may be, “yo that’s lit–”
Favorite haiku subject: health and fitness
Lucky Show: Pere Ubu @ Sinclair
Virgo
You can only have as many roommates as you do because you work on the weekends and never have to see them yawning and defrosting Trader Joe’s bullshit in their flannel abominations.
Favorite haiku subject: love and compassion
Lucky Show: Sunburned Hand of the Man @ Toadstool Bookshop
Libra
You’re so happy as a person that you can literally see a festival girl longboarding down your street and just film it, make a little .gif, no stress involved.
Favorite haiku subject: the wind
Lucky Show: Gza @ Brighton Music Hall
Scorpio
Twice you’ve been condescending to someone, only to learn on Facebook that they later passed away. So either you’re snotty all the time OR! MORE LIKELY, your casual rudeness is A VICIOUS HEX! Encounterers beware… R.I.P.
Favorite haiku subject: mortality
Lucky Show: So So Glos @ Great Scott
Sagittarius
Everyone knows you’re an ugly monster; what this selfie pre-supposes is: maybe you aren’t?
Favorite haiku subject: digital identity
Lucky Show: Lisa Carver @ Deep Thoughts JP
Capricorn
The worst part about you being born on the cusp is that if I want to diss you I need to write two shitty horoscopes; all in an evil sage day’s work.
Favorite haiku subject: bitterness
Lucky Show: Bastian Void @ Industry Lab
Aquarius
This Allston Shitty Christmas, Squanta brought you a pile of dank philosophy and literary criticism paperbacks; thanks Squanta! But unfortunately in the indexes lay bed bugs in a peaceful slumber. Try not to despair too deeply: bed bugs may suck your blood and shed their nasty skins all over your pillow but they’ll never suck your love of language and shed your capacity for abstract thought.
Favorite haiku subject: Wabi Sabi
Lucky Show: Mal Devisa @ Middle East
Pisces
You’re following more people than follow you on Soundcloud and you think nobody notices but we’re all laughing.
Favorite haiku subject: hubris
Lucky Show: Tredici Bacci @ Out of the Blue
