Bored with using your Tinder account to campaign for Bernie Sanders? Another option for promoting the revolution on a platform built for fucking is to instigate some sexy democratic socialist cosplay. Pair up as Bernie & Jane, Bernie & Cornel West, or Bernie & Jane & Cornel West. But remember: if you enter into a steamy Bernie-Trump LARP, you’re gonna need a safety word.
Safety Word: “enough is enough”
Lucky Show: Frank Hurricane @ Deep Thoughts JP
As a hypochondriac, you would benefit from dating a doctor, nurse, or physician of mid-size mammals so that when your next 2am freak-out rolls around, you’ll have somebody very special who can check your lumps.
Safety Word: “arf”
Lucky Show: Big Gal Ting @ Milky Way
For whatever physiological reason (presumably rooted in reproductive health, but who knows!), it’s considerably easier to orgasm (and orgasm repeatedly!) if there isn’t any alcohol in your system. An absence of alcohol also leads to gradual weight loss and a complexion that bears NO RESEMBLANCE to bologna loaf with chunks of pickle and olive. Experiment with a month or two of sobriety and you may end up have to face it: you’re addicted to cumming.
Safety Word: “seltzer”
Lucky Show: Isabella @ Cafe Fixe
You may find yourself inextricably linked to someone who does not share your indifference to shitty pizza, and you may say to yourself, “Will I write SCHLONGED across it with Sriracha?”
Safety Word: “Fruscetta”
Lucky Show: Blevin Blectum @ Aviary
Your ideal stripper would be ’70’s Lou Reed, high on speed, hips swinging wildly and smacking you in the face, but with a meaty, ’80’s Lou Reed ass.
Safety Word: “you’re still doing things that I gave up years ago”
Lucky Show: Guerilla Toss @ Deep Thoughts JP
While not a cure-all for your relationship woes, you probably wouldn’t be cheated on so rampantly if you spent less of the dance party outside on the sidewalk smoking weed and scrolling Instagram, and more time on the techno floor bumping against those lyin’ thighs.
Safety Word: “untz untz untz”
Lucky Show: Byoosik @ Middlesex
You always imagined that Cat Owner would be the peak of your parental responsibilities but lately, seeing little babies at rock shows with noise-cancellation headphones crowning their bulbous tender heads just tugs at your IUD string…
Safety Word: “goo goo ga ga”
Lucky Show: Nurse & Soldier @ Fazenda
The public school proverb, “You don’t have to like everyone,” was created to stop children from hitting each other with blocks; it’s not a license for you, adult Scorpio, to be cruel and vindictive toward whomever disagrees with you. You actually DO have to like and respect everyone. But if you prefer to stay a nasty little shit, wait til Valentine’s Day rolls around and see how few I Love You Your Warmth And Friendship Mean The Most Baby Let’s Smash mass texts you’ll get.
Safety Word: “wrud”
Lucky Show: Quilt @ MFA Boston
It can be tempting to use your Sims account to accomplish the interpersonal tasks that seem too annoying IRL; need to call your mom? Have your Sim call her mom. Wanna break it off with your current squeeze? Make out with another Sim in front of ’em. But when you gotta pee, watching a Sim sit on a toilet will not suffice.
Safety Word: “SimNation”
Lucky Show: Anthony Pasquarosa @ Deep Thoughts JP
If you take a break from the All-American Pastime of posting selfies constantly, your adoring stalkers will be forced to recreate your image deep in their unconscious to get their fix; expect an up-swing in “I had a dream about you” messages from some unexpected social media accounts.
Safety Word: “I had a dream about you”
Lucky Show: Doug Tuttle @ Lily Pad
Your sad inability to make good sweet treats has got you thinking that you’re sour to the core. But honestly they always end up really saline, and it’s due to the fact that you’re truly about that salt life. So buck up, Margaritaville, you can always go back to savory.
Safety Word: “salt life”
Lucky Show: Ben Hersey @ Middle East
When it comes to Valentine’s Day gift-giving, tradition may have you believe that your beloved does not want new windshield wiper blades. But after months of hearing you complain about the visual clarity of their windshield, a tennis bracelet would never compare to the sparkling absence of your whining with every wipe.
Safety Word: “Subaru”
Lucky Show: The Forgotten Jam @ Out of the Blue