Aries
You don’t need to roll around on the ground with all of your erogenous zones exposed, goops of ungodly colors spewing from your orifices, soaking wet and screaming obscenities in order to make audiences feel like they’re seeing something special. Just be yourself and perform your art dutifully! Because in your natural state you’re more fucked up and remarkably deranged than most people will ever be.
Lucky Show: Joey Pizza Slice @ Deep Thoughts JP
Taurus
As a Taurus you’re fairly comfortable holding eternal grudges against those whom’st’ve wronged you. However if you’ve’st somewhat-unintentionally fucked over a friend, who you’re’d now hiding from indefinitely, JUST APOLOGIZE! Feel the joy that is a dollop of forgiveness as it slides down your throat, and once it passes through you’ze’gyys, pass it on.
Lucky Show: Kikagaku Moyo @ Great Scott
Gemini
You live in Boston, you should own a leather vest, doesn’t get simpler than that.
Lucky Show: Dinnersss @ Studio 550
Cancer
You don’t have to commute to a yuppy commune in order to participate in Beer Yoga (the latest fitness craze among the laziest beneficiaries of late capitalism). All you need is YouTube, a four-pack of microbrews (that costs more than a normal six pack obv) and a friend to whom you can say “Exhale, raise your leg, and hold my beer.”
Lucky Show: Bong Wish @ The Loft
Leo
It costs extra if you want a styrofoam cup on the outside of a plastic iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts, so now the toxic layering totally counts as a status symbol.
Lucky Show: DENT @ Deep Thoughts JP
Virgo
It’s a slippery slope between Grateful Dead appreciation and obsessive Phish fandom and it’s only gonna get sloppier this summer…
Lucky Show: Screaming Females @ ONCE
Libra
In actuality, you’re only in competition with yourself. And the more aware of this you are, the more you will actually work to show yourself up; AND THEN the person that you’re ~emotionally~ in competition with will SUFFER.
Lucky Show: HSY @ Club Bohemia
Scorpio
Red Bull does not give you wings. Red Bull gives you heart palpitations, and if you drink more than one you won’t be able to sleep without first putting on Oliver Stone’s Untold History of the United States.
Lucky Show: Candy Miami @ Deep Thoughts JP
Sagittarius
You know you have domestic problems when you go on a school field trip and deeply wish that the hotel has a laundromat (instead of a pool and/or dolphin-shaped jacuzzi.)
Lucky Show: Kevin Micka @ Blue Bag
Aquarius
If you really loved your partner you would spend time getting all of your local warrants cleared; you wouldn’t just oscillate between vaping, texting younger PYT’s about surfing, and driving 20mph.
Lucky Show: Lina Tullgren @ Lilypad
Capricorn
If you want Lady Gaga to notice you, all ya hafta do it cover one of her songs (on-stage of a mid-scale festival with accompaniment from Bob Weir).
Lucky Show: Meat Puppets @ Brighton Music Hall
Pisces
That eerie mystery show about a small mountain town you like is going to come back into style.
Lucky Show: Lily On Horn Horse (of Palberta) @ Deep Thoughts JP
