Aries

Having a lot of Facebook friends and Instagram followers is fun, butt when will you be able to go to CVS and buy gentle glide tampons with your cultural capital?

Lucky Show: Faun and a Pan Flute @ Deep Thoughts JP

Taurus

Find somebody who looks at you the way you look at clean diet bowls of blueberries, arugula and grain meal on Instagram while shoveling handfuls of Fritos into your wet mouth.

Lucky Show: Gym Shorts @ Lilypad

Gemini

You spent a good 8-10 years in social isolation and now all of a sudden people seem to like you for you and appreciate your artwork. Don’t take the opportunity to suddenly start ostracizing, shaming or shit-talking people who remain painfully alone, or you’ll find your soul licking sprinkles from atop Guy Fieri’s frosted tips for a greasy eternity.

Lucky Show: Boston Underground Summit 9 @ Elk’s Lodge

Cancer

Use your inherent sex appeal to generate impactful adult content about switching to renewables! You can even have a sloppy scene in the trunk of a car reminding everyone to bring their own shopping bag.

Lucky Show: !@#$ @ Deep Thoughts JP

Leo

Attn nerds: not every instance warrants a half-assed joke. When human rights are being trampled to protect a political regime, you shouldn’t be rushing to make a Futurama reference.

Lucky Show: SUNN O))) @ Coolidge Corner

Virgo

You’re in the jazz lounge Schiller’s and who is at the bar butt Angela Merkel! Your pickup line: hey beautiful, was your momma a bottle of dish detergent? Because you are tough on Greece.

Lucky Show: Chill Sesh & Friends @ Midway Cafe

Libra

If Libra refuses to answer your texts, don’t take it personally. They’ve been locked in their room writing erotic fan fiction ever since they heard Rosario Dawson and Eric Andre are dating. You may need to kick their door down.

Lucky Show: gobbinjr @ Deep Thoughts JP

Scorpio

If being a mechanic was like doing porn, your mechanic name would be Al Denty and you’d always be sucking out people’s dents with your pasta hole.

Lucky Show: Simply Saucer @ Middle East

Sagittarius

Sagittarius wishes white people used Twitter to harass senators dismantling the Affordable Care Act instead of harassing civil rights leaders dismantling institutionalized racism.

Lucky Show: Crank Sturgeon @ Deep Thoughts JP

Aquarius

If you encounter an incensed rattlesnake, projectile ejaculate into its gem-like eyes to blind it and then jog to safety.

Lucky Show: The Memories ft Colleen Green @ Middle East

Capricorn

Any recovering alcoholic will tell any current alcoholic (ahem, Capricorn) that t’is far better to be a sex addict or a gym rat and stimulate the body to get high, rather than poison it.

Lucky Show: Dog @ Deep Thoughts JP

Pisces

There’s all kinds of slogans akin to, “there’s no such thing as a free ride,” and all of them have to do with the fact that if you put 7 tabs of acid in an orifice at once, you’ll be paying for it for the rest of your life.

Lucky Show: Weasel Walter @ Outpost 186