Aries

Earth and all of its green goodness is incredibly angry with
humanity. Expect the tree’s revenge in the form of many paper
cuts. Invest in a bidet to avoid anal slices.

Lucky Show: No Age @ ONCE Somerville

Taurus

Dating a zamboni driver may be your only opportunity to have a
partner with a “sports car.”

Lucky Show: Valerie Martino @ DAP

Gemini

When you watch somebody perform, you should clap for them!
Rather than snicker something random to the person standing
next to you when it seems a song is winding down. If you need to
be psyched-up about clapping, think of it as high-fiving yourself for
somebody else’s achievement. Sounds rowdy, right?

Lucky Show: Big Mess @ UnchARTed

Cancer

You don’t have ~anxiety~; your brain is just tweeting fake news
about you under your eyelids.

Lucky Show: Sibling @ Teacher’s Lounge

Leo

Pro tip: hotels will charge you $250 for smoking in the room but
it’s free to ejaculate everywhere.

Lucky Show: Aki Onda @ MIT Press Bookstore

Virgo

You know you’re mature when you see someone posting about
having success and fun on the Internet and your first thought is:
“Good for them!”

Lucky Show: Nice Guys @ O’Briens

Libra

Your cousin’s kids aren’t vaccinated and it’s weirding you out. Just
think of them as organic children who ultimately have a shorter
shelf life!

Lucky Show: Martin Bisi @ Deep Thoughts JP

Scorpio

Don’t worry so much about automation! Horses lost their jobs to
robots and they seem pretty happy to have the time off.

Lucky Show: New Aura @ Jeanie Johnston

Sagittarius

Sagittarius’ kink is putting a straw into milk and then blowing out
of it with their eye closed, imagining that they’re snorkeling in a
cow’s udder.

Lucky Show: Okkyung Lee @ Waterworks

Aquarius

Teach an Aquarian to fish and they’ll smell like a Ninja Turtle for
the rest of their life.

Lucky Show: Bong Wish @ Deep Thoughts JP

Capricorn

Cleaning your cat’s litter box is your version of pruning and
sculpting a zen garden. A peace of shit.

Lucky Show: Suuns @ Great Scott

Pisces

As someone who finds themselves aroused by dirty talk, you
shouldn’t make fun of Siri and Alexa because your genitals are,
apparently, voice activated.

Lucky Show: Jazz Massagers Live Score Memorial Day 2000 @
Deep Thoughts JP