Five of Lankville’s most captivating women sat down with The Lankville Daily News to share their thoughts on how local men disgust them. It’s a fascinating time to be alive.

5.) SHEEBA INCAVIGLIA, Astrologer

I am an emotional woman by nature. Therefore, I could not stand the love and companionship of a man who was unable to share these emotions that often explode within me and which I feel so deeply. To make me happy, a man would have to be able to make me laugh when I am happy, to sob uncontrollably with me when I am sad, and to share my often senseless grief with me with I grieve.

4.) LE NORA ST. JAMES, Jungle Movie Actress

I am really disgusted by men who hold up hour glasses and are like, “OK, time’s up, honey.” Gosh, I can’t stand that. I want a man who doesn’t worry about time, who ignores time, who lets the day unfold naturally, even if it means missing the boat back to the mainland and having to stay with some weird island people who don’t have any teevees. That’s OK, though, because, like, then you get the adventure of staying with island people and a story you can tell later when you get back to the mainland. I also don’t like men who aren’t adventurous. If I want to go into a dark cave, why shouldn’t I be able to? I don’t need some man telling me, “no, no, no.” All I want to hear is yes. That’s just my most favorite word!

3.) ROBIN BROX- Businesswoman, Founder and CEO, Brox Uncolored Condiments

I drive 100 MPH everywhere and I don’t stop for any goddamn traffic lights. If a man is scared by that, then he better stick to the fucking kiddie rides. And I don’t like prudes. If you don’t want to even broach the subject of rallying up enough pelvic torque to take a woman to a place where heaven knows no fucking bounds, then let’s call the whole goddamn thing off right now. What am I in this shit for—the conversation? Forget it. I gotta look after these goddamn uncolored condiments, I don’t need any of that garbage. The first time some asshole squirts some yellow mustard on a $20 tie is the next time I get another customer. They’re coming out of the goddamn woodwork. They just love these goddamn uncolored condiments. They plunk down ten grand just to hear my ass stand at a lectern and natter on about them. Who the fuck knows? Is anybody really happy? Get out of here with these horseshit questions, for Christ’s sake.

2.) DR. GINA TORREZ-KEEBLER, Professor of Gender and Women’s Studies, University of Southern Lankville Plains

I don’t care for men who are crude or violent. They may call themselves he-men but as far as I’m concerned, they are merely overgrown juvenile delinquents. The Lankvillian male tends to confuse bad manners, sloppiness, and sexual congress with virility. A real man is gentle, kind, effete even. He does not have to go around proving it by cursing, working out with free weights or having intercourse. He can prove it just by putting a single white rose in a vase on a table and creating a lovely, spare tableau, or by hanging a fashionable drapery. That’s what interests me and I find men to be most useful for.

1.) SHELLEY REPORTS, Economist, Writer

I guess I’m a little on the tubby side—just a little. So, a man would have to accept that. I have a strange, high-pitched voice as well. There’s that. And my feet make an eldritch squeaking noise when I walk. They’ve never been able to figure it out—it doesn’t matter what kind of shoes I wear. I don’t have to be wearing any shoes at all. My feet just squeak. It’s odd. I also don’t have any teeth.

So, I guess I would like a man who is accepting of all those things and still finds me beautiful. I am beautiful, it’s just those problems that I outlined above. I want a man who tells me I’m beautiful and who sends me pre-printed greeting cards that say, “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL”. That would be nice.

In terms of what disgusts me? Probably just foreigners.