Braiotta is a name known in many a nook and cranny in these parts. Be it rock n’ roller (currently Planet of Adventure, and formerly Shitaly, The Anchormen), writer/ film critic, or funny person (Union Sq. Roundtable, Tardy Eagle), Chris Braiotta has been them all. I met the man at a roller derby practice facility. We were being groomed as live commentators, partners in talk, for the league; a situation that never came to fruition. I sometimes wonder…what if? Chris asks you to “sniff my world“, and you do it. He is one of the sordid minds behind the TARDY EAGLE section/area/entity of our BOSTON COMPASS newspaper. And he is married to the lovely Emily Arkin. Goddamn man!
Ten Ideas That Should Be Cancelled in 2014
by Chris Braiotta
1. Evolution! I’ve been alive for 41 years and animals are just as dumb as ever! And I don’t want to hear “maybe they’re as smart as they need to be for their ecological niche”! Everyone could stand to be smarter! Especially you for saying something that dumb!
2. Modern Design! Eames chairs look like a Mechagodzilla’s dick! Sit in some wood like a human being, Dong Draper!
3. On the other hand, women wearing vintage bras you have to close with sealing wax every time! Some things from the past were just not very good!
4. Alfredo sauce flavored Gatorade! Not refreshing at all! Is it in you? (I hope not.)
5. Motorcycles with so much black leather fringe they look like a Native American dominatrix!
6. Libertarianism! Alan Greenspan’s Malthusian teat can only disappoint you with its milk of delusion you guys!
7. Murder! There’s nothing about committing murder that makes you cool!
8. Related: purebred dogs! Purebred dogs are like murder in extremely slow motion! i.e. the lifespan of a dog! And the murder weapon is getting two other dogs to f-word!
9. The so-called “sport” of human foosball! I think that dude who’s the president of Kalakastan or whatever did this one! Rigged up a bunch of prisoners in a harness and spun them around on a giant table! One of them threw up! It’s cruel!
10. Rules in my condo that don’t let me keep a psychic pre-cog covered in jelly in my bathtub! I’m not doing anything kinky I just want to know the future! It’s not like I tried to keep my neighbor from putting up that dumb vermouth poster in the hallway! Live and let live!
And a bonus list we failed to inform you of!
10 New Animals Discovered in 2013
by Chris Braiotta
The Australian Brown Refresher (it’s a spider)
The Dairy Ape
Folding Horse of Kazakhstan
General Tso’s Eagle
Brutal Honesty Lemur
Blue Öyster Mussel
Madagascar Smelly Ant
Mraz’s Beefchild Sparrow
The Horse That’s an Arsonist