Popular motivational speaker and local “financeteer,” Brian 4 Ever, made a rare appearance at the Pizza A-Round last night. Also spotted were Computer Computer Paper CEO Amanda Burgess, Tammy La Hoyt of Tammy’s Nails, LDN’s own cuisine writer Brian Schropp, and President Albert Pondicherry. Yes, the stars were certainly out in honor of the pizza establishment’s recent “C-” grade from the Board of Health, (the highest grade its seen in months). Coinciding with this was the Computer Computer Paper company’s annual Midnight Snack/Employee Appreciation Seminar, aiming to “celebrate good employees and belittle bad ones all while enjoying a light nosh.” 4 Ever was the head lecturer for the event.
“Tomorrow I will be another year older and thankfully, a little bit wiser,” said 4 Ever in an indistinct Southern Lankville accent.
“I’ve come out here tonight, standing on a precipice, to share my priceless advice on how to live your life to its fullest! How to become all that you can be! There are several steps to success and it starts with money and it ends with money and in between that are empty pizza boxes, a cleansing, burning sensation, a couple of songs, and a limited time offer. Tell me people, are you ready to change your life?”
At the height of his speech, 4 Ever then proceeded to remove his suit to reveal a simple black cocktail dress as Burgess urged pizza patrons to try some of 4 Ever’s “miracle hand lotion.”
“This is a risk-free, low-commitment, time-sensitive deal here. For just five installments of $19.99, you can change your life! The burning is only an indication of toxins being removed from the body, you’re getting cleaner as we speak,” Burgess coaxed a clearly agitated onlooker, while globbing some of the lotion into his hands.
After the speech was over, refreshments and slices of garlic bread were served, autographs were signed, and photographs were offered with 4 Ever and Burgess at a discounted fare of $49.99, special for the occasion. Number one fan Katrina Hall excitedly emptied her purse to the duo.
“I’ve been following Brian 4 Ever on tour for about seven years now. His talks are so inspirational! I’ve bought all his products! I even got myself a job as a secretary at the Computer Computer Paper company just so I could witness his talks on the business circuit. Of course, I ended up losing that position because I would sneak into the conference room for his lectures and let all of (Burgess’s) calls go to voicemail . . . But, ya know, there are no hard feelings.”
The Pizza A-Round, pleased with the night’s events, is stated to be in the process of making a commemorative “Pizza Pizza 4 Ever,” a pie that can only be described by the chef as “never-ending.” Details will be released at a later date.
