Aries
As the breezes chill you, you fondly remember your past affections for red wine from before you went sober. Don’t google, “fake wine,” because the results will be for budget taste-alikes of famous French wines; and definitely don’t google, “non-alcoholic wine” with the auto-fill “that taste good,” because you will get depressed.
Current vape flavor: male tears
Lucky show: Bugs and Rats @ Deep Thoughts JP
Taurus
If you run a hip and expensive raw juice shop’s Instagram, don’t post pictures of new self-help books. Show us the golden turmeric and calming adaptogens!!!
Current vape flavor: shit show
Lucky show: Cass McCombs @ Cafe 939
Gemini
You take just like a human, and you make love just like a human, you vape just like a human, but you hide your valuables in little holes in the ground and forget where they are just like a little squirrel.
Current vape flavor: sauerkraut
Lucky show: Jonathan Richman @ Middle East
Cancer
Having a vaper in your band is good for tour. Because when the deceptively clean-looking bandmate removes their shoes to reveal a stench akin to rotting rat in a chunky milk bath, it will be synthetic nicotine scent-o-flage to the rescue!
Current vape flavor: dolphin kiss
Lucky show: PWR BTTM @ Once
Leo
Knuckle tattoos are a great way of letting people know you enjoy a good BUTT SLAP or that you avoid paying CHLD SPRT.
Current vape flavor: neon pee
Lucky show: Gary War @ Deep Thoughts JP
Virgo
“This terrier sure doesn’t taste like it needs medication,” quoth the Boston coyote who ate your precious “Max.”
Current vape flavor:
Lucky show: Ian Sweet @ Great Scott
Libra
Libra deeply understands the painful irony of getting thoroughly waxed, only to be wished, “happy trails to you!”
Current vape flavor: tickle me stink
Lucky show: Hasslefest @ Brighton Music Hall
Scorpio
Scorpio doesn’t wear lipstick to show that they’re aware that they are not glamorous. But they wear eyeliner so people know they’re hoes.
Current vape flavor: coexist/salt life
Lucky show: Mike Simonelli doing Twin Peaks OST @ Industry Lab
Sagittarius
Every time you take a shower after you shit, comfort yourself by thinking, “this is just a temporary fix while our bidet is in the shop.”
Current vape flavor: field day losing team
Lucky show: Shonen Knife @ Middle East
Capricorn
Capricorn will have fawn, fawn, fawn til their daddy takes the baby deer away.
Current vape flavor: otterbox
Lucky show: Pill @ ONCE
Aquarius
Can somebody loan Aquarius $400? They need an overcoat that’ll have people asking where they shop.
Current vape flavor: transformers 5
Lucky show: Marisa Anderson @ ONCE
Pisces
If a Pisces hisses at you, it’s because you ssssssssssssssssssssssssssuck.
Current vape flavor: blonde dreads
Lucky show: Mal Devisa @ Paradise
