THIS JUST IN!
by Sarah Samways, Contributing Female
GIRL SPILLS MILK, CRIES FOR DAYS
Resident “sad girl,” Desdemona Dylan, 19, is reported to have suffered from severe ennui with a touch of a hysteria after spilling a glass of almond milk yesterday morning. Too absorbed in a book of poetry that she was reading, she failed to see where the edge of her kitchen table was and placed the glass down into thin air. Gravity withstanding, the glass shattered onto the hardwood floor and all its contents went to waste. Dylan’s cat got frightened and ran out of the room. Witnesses were on the scene.
“She’s having a really hard time right now,” said an unnamed roommate of Dylan’s, “that was the last of her almond milk until she gets paid from CafHey!, that donut shop that she works at. It’s a big loss.”
“They make all the girls wear these tight shirts and black yoga pants in order to make tips at the drive-thru window,” claimed Dylan, in between sobs, “and they make sure all the products are up on the highest shelves so when you reach up to get stuff for customers, you’re pretty much always giving them a peek at something. The manager always adjusts our name tags while breathing really heavily and I’m pretty sure I saw a hole in the wall of the employee bathroom. But it’s like, a job so…”
Upon hearing these allegations, CafHey! could not be reached for comments. A crowd-sourcing fund to help Dylan get another carton of milk is in the works.
MIRACLE MONEY FLIES STRAIGHT OUT FROM AREA WOMAN’S ASS
Sources are reporting a strange event that occurred at approximately 6PM last night. Area woman, Felicity Finch, 36, compounded by debt and demons, began to excrete twenty dollar bills in quick succession.
“It was quite a scene,” said on-looker Bill Golden, “I was just walking through the park and all of a sudden I see this woman hunched over in pain and then begin to shoot money out of her ass. It was disturbing but fortuitous and, to be frank, I did kind of enjoy it. Things haven’t really gone as I had hoped.”
The event lasted for a good hour and a half and resulted in a pile of money totalling over a thousand dollars. Finch was immediately taken to the hospital via ambulance and was fully examined. Dr. Punav Suresh, the first on the scene, was baffled.
“I’ve never seen anything like this before. The patient did not consume money because she didn’t have any to begin with. What appears to have happened is that due to the high volume of stress caused from the constant chatter of bill collectors, student loans, and random people hitting her up for money, her body took over and provided. It provided in a big way. We are only just beginning to understand the miracles of human anatomy. The body can heal itself in all kinds of amazing ways. All her problems are solved and she looks great.”
The Lankville Daily News soon realized that this sounded like an allegory for prostitution and gave Dr. Suresh a finger wag and a furrowed brow like you wouldn’t believe.
LOCAL TEENS MUMBLE, “GIRL BAND” IN SIGHT
Some local teenage girls were seen breaking beer bottles with baseball bats in an empty parking lot yesterday afternoon. Stolen grocery store carriages were being used for transportation and candy was consumed. One girl was heard to be devising an all-girl punk band for sport and spite, the others agreed reluctantly.
“We can’t play the instruments, but we can learn,” the leader said triumphantly, “We may not know how to read music, but I hear it’s all self-explanatory! We may not have a place to practice but we can break into people’s basements after work! So we have nothing to say, we’ll lead agonizing lives intentionally until we do have something to say! We may be ugly and have crippling stage fright and be kinda dumb, we’ll just put bags over our heads so the audience doesn’t have to see us and we don’t have to see them!”
Running out of breath, the leader collapsed onto the pavement. The other teens mumbled and began taking selfies. The “meeting” later reconvened and everyone forgot what was said.
“We should totally start a band,” said one.
The leader later died.