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SNACK REVIEW: What The Hell Is Going On Here? Vea’s Thai Coconut Mini Crunch Bars

You could start with “what the hell is going on here?” as you take your first bite into a Vea’s Thai Coconut Mini Crunch Bar. I did anyway. But I should say my tone was more puzzled than belligerent, as it had other attendant questions flying-buttress-ing off of it, if you will. Like: a) how many people had to sign off on these to bring them into existence? b) how much money could they possibly make to have them worthwhile when they aren’t an obvious choice of the busy parent, footballtime, weed-related snacking, or slumber party junk food saturnalia markets? c) what did the worker in the manufacturing plant think of them on the first day they rolled out?

To get you oriented, I’ll describe the Thai Coconut Mini Crunch Bar. No, let’s have the company do that: “Thai-inspired flavor with coconut and a hint of ginger and real ingredients.” While the visual appeal on the bag was minimal—the close-up photo conjured up the slice of mystery food-punishment served in the SHU in Orange Is the New Black—you know and I know plenty of other somewhat appalling-looking foods can taste FANTASTIC. All right, I thought, I’m game. I do like Thai food, although I make no claims to literacy in its subtleties/sublimities. How much these bars would taste like actual Thai, or even Thai-ish food, what might a sane person’s expectations be anyway, but I’d take Thai-inspired, sure, why not.

But after only 1.5 wee bars, I lost momentum, never a good snack sign. If I’d written the copy at this juncture mine would be “small baffling rectangles of food for the inattentive eater with nominal interests in world food-adventures.”

If it sounds like I didn’t like them, well, I didn’t. But then, I was never going to. I failed to see the key ingredient was sweet potatoes, a root vegetable that despite my wrinkled l’il nose and utterances of “blech,” you people seem to think I just haven’t met the right one yet. The only way I’ve ever consumed sweet potatoes willingly is when the flavor is almost entirely obfuscated by grease, salt, jazzy French fry powders, marshmallows, or in a pie I am pretending is pumpkin, and in all cases there is some lying back and thinking of England. Thai Coconut Mini Crunch Bars didn’t have a chance, let’s face it.

YOUR FAVORITE SNACK REVIEWER STRAINING TO KEEP HER OBJECTIVITY INTACT

However, the Snack Reviewer calling is a sacred one, and I knew I must try to transcend my aversion. Once more into breach, I reached into the crinkly bag and began champing anew, urging my brain to just sort of shove aside the sweet potato taste to see yes, what the hell was going on.

I tasted coconut, yes, maybe more phantasmal than the packaging suggested, but there all the same. The ginger flavor, real or chemically remastered, eluded me but that might not have been a bad thing (?) however much I heart ginger.

The crunch was strongest part of the enterprise. I am, generally speaking, a fan of desiccation in food—leads to such interesting textures, no?—and these do have the look of something that were left out in the sun too long or mummified in the tomb of Ramesses II (that latter is less snide than a weakness for hyperbole and a chance to bring up Ancient Egypt, which always makes life more innerestin’). The results were definitely pleasing.

My second go at Thai Coconut Mini Crunch Bars however led me no closer to clarifying what time-of-day snack niche they filled, something that  had confounded me from the start. Your late-morning elevenses? Mid-afternoon treat with your coffee? In the PB&J-ancillary lunch spot usually reserved for carrot sticks and/or chips? Midnight, when you’re trying to not eat a bag of waffle BBQ chips? I’m not sure how much better these are for you but…could be. I guess.

ENHANCED TO SHOW TEXTURE

Thai Coconut Mini Crunch Bars might be more useful as a basis for conversation about capitalism than snackage. Or such a conversation could be required in tandem with their—ahem—consumption. There’s something cynical in their production, coat-tailing as it does on various foodie trends in such a cursory manner. Quelle surprise, Gilmore. I assume market research found them as potentially viable as they very well may be proving to be. How strange we are in the U.S. Goodness, should I be getting in on this racket? You tell me, friend.

I’m trying to figure out the best exeunt of these bars from my life. They’re a little stale having sat ignored on my counter for a week. I so hate to waste food. I couldn’t give them to the squirrels unless I was sure the bars would do them no harm, although if squirrels are eating so much pizza these days how bad could it be?

I recognize denoting Thai Coconut Mini Crunch Bars as squirrel-food could seem like I’ve been disingenuously hedging from flat-out saying “I hated them.” But no. I would tell you if I hated them. My word is my bond. You might find them agreeable and I would not fight you on it. I will say this though: I doubt you would love them.