I am dating myself and have been for quite sometime. So I guess the real question for me would be, what do I do while I’m dating myself?

I think we have to be in relationships, have that daily communion and intimacy with ourselves before we can enter into healthy relationships with others. I guess what I mean by healthy is balanced. I’m always writing love songs to myself and to the world it seems; the other day I was depressed as shit, crying & what not. I locked myself in my room with all my music equipment and watched breaking bad ALL DAY and then had dreams about cooking meth and eating Chinese food. I even deactivated Facebook, shit sometimes we have to take breaks. But I know I needed that release and to be able to feel all those feelings right then and there and to know that everything I’m feeling in this moment is real. Acknowledging that about myself is an act of self love and self acceptance is the key. I can only bring myself to a balance through acceptance, from there I can evolve and continuously grow. Living on this planet reminds me of all the light and dark that sits inside of us all. At times that can be over-whelming and scary but also full of so much love, peace, compassion and a connection I feel towards others that would only be possible if I felt that connection within myself and for myself first. We can only face, accept and love in others what we have faced, accepted and loved within ourselves first.

I spend a lot of time with myself. I’m a fucking hermit for christ sakes! I love it though because I love being in my own presence as we all should.  I also love my periods where I go out and party/dance my ass off and connect with some really wonderful, weird and interesting people. The world is full of beautiful souls floating from here and afar and we are just waiting to meet one another. I try to take take what I learn from the experiences when I am out with people in order to create and continue on with healthy relationships even when I have those periods of where my physical connection to others gets cut to a minimum. I’m extremely sensitive to energy. So, I’m aware of when I need that space for myself because self love is also about self awareness and knowing what you need. We can’t accept things we aren’t aware of.

I’d like to think I create something everyday. Mainly sound because sound/music is healing for me and the more we remember ourselves the more we heal ourselves over and over again. And the more we know ourselves the more we’re able to tap into that thing, that passion that allows us to heal ourselves, that thing that brings us together. Sound allows me to share parts of myself, face myself, be honest with myself & evolve. I think I’m my most vulnerable, in the sense of me releasing EVERYTHING through this art form. There’s been times I would get extremely sick upon releasing music into the world because it’s been such an intimate, secluded place within myself for awhile. But all in all sound is my daily meditation. The remembrance back to myself.

I also enjoy laughing, whether that be from making others laugh or just making myself laugh. I’d like to think I’m pretty damn funny and sometimes you have to just laugh at life.  Laughter is good for the soul it helps us release the weight of the world which is why we have the ability to laugh to begin with. It’s also healing.

I enjoy cleaning, I clean the crib like no other. I think one of the reasons I enjoy this activity so much is because I’ve lived in not-so-clean environments growing up; with rats and bugs, and I think in many ways experiencing this may be the reason why I’m so adamant about living in clean environments now. It’s meditative for me. I don’t enjoy cooking all that much but love to eat and I’ll wash a mean dish. Good food is one of the best things for my body. I briefly dated a woman who told me that I should look at food like medicine to my body. I took that phrase to heart because I had never looked at food that way. I grew up in poverty but it wasn’t that I wasn’t eating healthy per-se but that I was not eating enough. I was extremely active as a youth playing sports constantly but I was not getting enough food. After a while your body builds up enough tolerance to be able to find some energy to continue to go on in the midst of you lacking proper nourishment, but this isn’t always healthy, we’re like machines we need good food & water. As an adult, I started to listen to my body so that I could understand what my body actually needed. It wasn’t necessarily what my ex -partner insisted that my body needed but that phrase, “Food is medicine” became so important, in order to figure out what my body needed for myself to provide the fuel that I need to keep physically going in a healthy way and actually enjoy what I’m intaking.

There are so many other things that I do to ensure my self care. But I’m going to finish this with my love for women. I’m a woman, a lesbian. And lesbianism isn’t just about being physically intimate with other women. It’s about a love that I have for myself as a woman, as a woman of color and beyond that. I want the person(s) I date to feel so free within themselves. To have an unwavering love for themselves, that is the only way they can truly love and care for me. It’s about seeing a healthy reflection of myself in others and If I cannot see that I need to examine what is best for my well being. Allowing room for one another to grow as we continuously grow within ourselves. Knowing what each of us need for ourselves so that we can organically communicate that to one another. Understanding what is toxic within me for myself and being cautious not to project. Tenderly loving myself so that I can tenderly love another.

Lesbianism is a culture and a true act of self love for women and the feminine/masculine energy that all humans carry within themselves; regardless of what gender you yourself may be. A woman having sexual intercourse with a woman does not make her a lesbian. Just as a man who may sleep with women does not mean he necessarily loves women. Lesbianism, as I said, is a culture, a perception of life and a true act of self love. It’s about loving, knowing and understanding the woman in all of her greatness, beauty, dark & light that sits inside of us all.
Dating myself allows me to create space for myself to heal but it also creates space for others to do the same and to truly be free. Everyday, I look in the mirror & every day I grow more in love with who I am. It’s continuous, you never stop remembering, accepting and growing within yourself as long as you are alive. I would tell others there is no place to reach per-se but to strive to live out the best parts of ourselves each and every day. Know that anything worth having is not easy. We are a complicated species and we will spend forever in this lifetime exploring and remembering who we are. We may not like it all, but we must love it. It’s a journey, to be self aware, self accepting, have self integrity and be gentle on ourselves as much as we can, as well as being patient, passionate about what it is you do or choose to be in life, hold ourselves accountable for mistakes but don’t dwell there. Feed life into ourselves and into one another.  Go through all the feelings that you feel, they are real and a part of you. More importantly love ourselves enough to heal ourselves. Accept the light and dark and grow from within.

By LeCiel

Featured in Basement Babes, Issue 13