Aries
You accidentally tortured an ant to death (your aim was for it to send a message to the rest of its hill via pheromones, without considering that it was actually a living thing dying slowly from your horrible jabs), so now whenever you go to a cafe a line of ants use their disproportionate strength to steal your order ticket. Have fun smelling and paying for food you can’t eat, asshole!
Three fictional characters: a good cop x 3
Lucky Show: Daniel Bachman @ Deep Thoughts JP
Taurus
If a phase in your life that you recall fondly was a dark time for everyone else, you were probably the problem.
Three fictional characters: Daria, Dawn Davenport, Don Draper’s diaper
Lucky Show: Bong Wish as Ween @ Lilypad
Gemini
Next time your white dealer (weed, mescaline, raw milk, I’m not here to judge you) invokes the name of Jah as a greeting, tell that ‘baldhead’ to do the memory of Bob Marley a favor and drop dead.
Three fictional characters: some combination of religious figures to be edgy
Lucky Show: Weyes Blood @ First Baptist Church
Cancer
Stop making excuses for being a bad friend. You’re selfish and only appear in my DMs after you get dumped, just own it!!!
Three fictional characters: the California Raisins, the Partridge Family, the Monkees
Lucky Show: PC Worship @ Child World
Leo
You finally found someone who likes getting banned from Facebook groups as much as you do. Instead of Netflix and Chill, enjoy Troll and Stuff Each Other’s Holes.
Three fictional characters: Mr Toad, unicycle frog, bemused amphibian face that likes Donald Trump
Lucky Show: Jordonna @ Outer Limits
Virgo
As a vocalist, your hushed yelps and panting whines give listeners the sensation that you’re divulging a useless secret, like which dumpster has the best Naked juice.
Three fictional characters: Polar seltzer bear, Coca Cola polar bear, CGI Tom Hanks in Polar Express
Lucky Show: Request Freebird @ Modesthaus
Libra
Libra will mostly likely buy Playboy with Sky Ferreira on the cover for the articles AND the groin sensations.
Three fictional characters: all the pets in Homeward Bound
Lucky Show: 75 Dollar Bill @ Deep Thoughts JP
Scorpio
Best way to scare a Scorpio is to fill an empty Poland Spring bottle with fountain seltzer, cap it, and give it a casual shake…
Three fictional characters: the keister bunny, Mylanta Klaus, and the vermouth fairy
Lucky Show: Patti Smith @ Berklee
Sagittarius
There’s no wrong way to pour seltzer all over your chin and up your nose as part of some sort of soggy pro-sobriety fetish video.
Three fictional characters: you, yourself, and you-rene
Lucky Show: Cinderblock @ Middle East
Aquarius
If you didn’t want your castle to be adorned in Swastikas for the new Transformers film you probably should’ve built something a trifle more modest (this one is primarily for Winston Churchill but could be applied elsewhere).
Three fictional characters: Jupiter and any two of his mistresses (after whom the moons of Jupiter are named)
Lucky Show: DENT @ Midway
Capricorn
Everybody can tell that you’ve been working out but they’re all too jealous to compliment and/or still too heartbroken from your last physical improvement to stroke your engorged arm and purr again.
Three fictional characters: eater of all the Big Papi donuts x 3
Lucky Show: Birthing Hips @ ZuZu
Pisces
If you’re having nut allergies I feel bad for you, Pisces. You got 99 peanuts and Epipens are like $600.
Three fictional characters: Whore of Babylon, Mary Magdalene, Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge
Lucky Show: Jenny Hval @ Great Scott
