This horoscopic season, everyone’s outcomes are exactly the same.
A planet with perfect conditions for sustaining life, easily referred to as Earth 2 or Blue Orb From A Different Glorb or even ~New House Show Basement in Allston~ is currently revolving around the star Proxima Centauri, four-and-a-half light years away.
“It is with great enthusiasm that I renounce my Earthlihood and ascend to the alien race,” everybody confidently responds in unison. “I have reviewed the details of a future on Earth and in light of the American police brutality cycle, the European race war cycle, the ISIS cycle, the misery-industrial cycles, and the dazzling pools of glacial death across Antarctica, it appears that my goals and priorities with regards to happiness and civility will be better matched on another planet that I will be able to reach in four and a half years. I’ll be just shy of thirty-five. I’ll still have a firm ass—”
“No you won’t,” says Science.
“Butt my squats are explosive!”
“A light year isn’t a year. A light year is a wholly incomprehensible unit of measure.”
“I’ll be forty?”
“We created slightly reasonable dollops of distance called Astronomical Units, in which ‘astronomical’ is used literally. An AU is about 93 million miles. In the scheme of light, a beam can travel 93 million miles in approximately 8 minutes.”
“…”
“SO,” exclaimed Science, as though coming ’round a mountain as she came, “there are 63,000 AUs in one light year. In the exact way that there are 63,000 inches in one mile. Orange you glad we didn’t adopt the metric system?”
“Phew!”
“If the current space shuttle travels 3,094 miles per hour (outside of Earth’s orbit), a person can travel the distance contained in a light year in…216,746 years.” Science presses the button on the end of her pen and the tip recedes into the barrel with a click. She slides the pen into her breast pocket and begins walking away with intention.
“I am pleased to retain my position on Mother Earth! And very excited to make positive contributions to all of the companies I keep,” Society yells in her direction. Society jogs after her, panting in pledge form. “While this second Earth may falsely give license to the powers that be to drain the current planet of its resources and evade conflict resolution, I will commit a portion of my lifespan to its betterment.”
Science stops and turns to Society. She hands Society a Chowder’s Lavender gum. “It actually has sugar in it. Isn’t that amazing?” Society’s mastication commences. “Have you any vows with regards to buoying the happiness and civility of others?”
“The work is exactly what I have been preparing and hoping to do.”
A look of wariness narrows Science’s eyes.
“I am eager to embark on this new journey–”
Science frowns.
“I promise not to get into fights in the comments section of Facebook events anymore. There are a million places my attentions are better served in real life.”
“Bingo. Anything can be rocket science when your head’s up Uranus.”
Lucky Show: Satan’s God @ Deep Thoughts JP
Compass #115: Film Big 3 // CINE ALMODÓVAR
CINE ALMODÓVAR Tue 9/3 – Tue 10/1 @ Coolidge Corner Theatre Visit Coolidge.org for showtimes & ticket info In honor and anticipation…