Aries
If you try to undercut the after-show whip-it’s-in-the-parking-lot market by selling “heady poppers” AKA small bottles of VCR head cleaner for the same price as three birthday balloons of auto-mechanic-grade nitrous, you will be tossed off the heavenly Big Sur cliffs by a carny from the Nitrous Mafia.

Phave Phish show of the summer: night 2 of Bill Graham
Lucky Boston show: Ed Schrader’s Music Beat @ Deep Thoughts JP

Taurus
Wearing the same tie-dyed mandala Dead shirt every day of Phish tour is a victimless crime (save the rotting flesh residue all over the rental) until a seventeen-year-old at the rest stop says: “hey, didn’t I see you the other night at the whore house?”

Phave Phish show of the summer: night 1 of SPAC
Lucky Boston show: Bong Wish @ Lily Pad

Gemini
You know you’re in a good band when people bring crutches to your concert just so they can hold them up in the air mid ovation and proclaim that they were cured by your sentimental shred.

Phave Phish show of the summer: Hartford
Lucky Boston show: Grape Room @ Hour Spot

Cancer
Counting in time in your head to live music double-serves as both guidance for dancing and protection from deep introspection into your criminal life.

Phave Phish show of the summer: Mansfield
Lucky Boston show: Boston Fuzzstival @ Middle East

Leo
If you’re phenomenally spun, boarding the Twelve Tribes’ cavernous coach bus for some Yogi tea and acoustic guitar will not cure what ails you. I cannot say for certain what the k-hole in your heart should be filled with, but it’s probably not becoming a pregnant farmer for a Christian hippie cult.

Phave Phish show of the summer: last night of Dick’s
Lucky Boston show: Ben Hersey @ UnchARTed

Virgo
Raging the show behind a hard-vaping wookette is generally fine because they’re usually short and crouched over, sucking on nicotine dew. Added bonus if they’re huffing a toasted marshmallow-themed fume and sensory-retrieval brings up memories from sweet Summers past.

Phave Phish show of the summer: night 1 of The Mann
Lucky Boston show: Soft Eyes @ Plough & Stars

Libra
If your butt is set on grinding against someone else’s significant other during some cheesy chompers’ hit like Stash or Twist, you better make sure that you actually have the stamina to percolate for the whole song; otherwise you’re liable to get whipped with a bushel of glowsticks on your chosen hole.

Phave Phish show of the summer: Chula
Lucky Boston show: Mal Devisa @ Democracy Center

Scorpio
Next time you find a sick floor stash after the show, like weed soaked in IPA, give it to a homeless man and say, “Don’t thank me, thank Chad.”

Phave Phish show of the summer: night 1 of Bill Graham
Lucky Boston show: X @ Brighton Music Hall

Sagittarius
Like most heads, you don’t like any of Trey’s songs about his dead sister; but rather than complain like the whiney Sag’ that you are, find a way to add audience participation to the ballads. Next time Trey sings, “When we were young, we thought that life was a game-” collectively yell: “Henge!”

Phave Phish show of the summer: Syracuse (because you dosed)
Lucky Boston show: Downtown Boys @ Middle East

Aquarius
Being spun at a Phish show is a good place to be, and it’s reasonable that in a 17-minute jam you will forget what song they launched off from. But if they’ve only been jamming for two minutes and you ask the stranger next to you, “is this still No Men’s?” You’re a noob.

Phave Phish show of the summer: the Forum (because you dosed)
Lucky Boston show: Byoosik @ Middlesex

Pisces
Wearing cargo shorts when you’re tripping can be confusing but wearing two pairs of cargo shorts on top of each other when you don’t even know you are because you’re facing so hard and you keep seeing skulls every time you close your eyes is worse! When you reach into your exterior cargo short pockets you can feel the pipe and Stealie Bic of your inner cargos but you can’t get em out, and the struggle lasts forever.

Phave Phish show of the summer: Gorge
Lucky Boston show: Wreck Room @ Deep Thoughts JP