
Here we go! After years of rumors, false starts, and residual shame from the 1993 film (which I do not hate), Nintendo has finally released a Mario movie with the help of Illumination, a studio that has never made a good movie. Luckily for all of us, The Super Mario Bros. Movie is actually not terrible, a pleasant enough animated rendering of the adventures of Mario and Luigi in the Mushroom Kingdom. There are only a couple of glaring mistakes beyond the thuddingly obvious soundtrack choices, which unfortunately happen to be the two lead performances. The initial announcement of noted annoying person Chris Pratt as Mario was met with fear and devastation, and for good reason. He isn’t terrible like he is in Pixar’s Onward, but he can’t seem to muster the appropriate level of energy for a solid “let’s-a go” that the iconic role requires. Anya Taylor-Joy, while having cartoon Peach eyes in real life, brings a mostly flat affect to the princess. Call me crazy, but Mario and Peach probably could have been voiced by their original voice actors. At least Charles Martinet gets to play… Mario and Luigi’s dad? Charlie Day and Jack Black are innocent though, let’s make that clear.
Mustachioed brothers Mario (Pratt) and Luigi (Day) have started their own plumbing business out of their truck in Brooklyn. The brothers want to prove to their family that they can do this, despite their first job going awry. While it’s a little disorienting to experience Mario and Luigi as part of a large Italian family unit, their relationships felt real enough that I was almost disappointed when Mario and Luigi are sucked into the magical green pipe that takes them to the Mushroom Kingdom and quickly separated. Luigi is captured by Bowser (Jack Black), the most iconic video game villain in history besides the dog in Duck Hunt, who is intent on marrying Princess Peach (Taylor-Joy) and conquering the world with the power of the magical Power Star. You know the one. Mario is found by Toad (Keegan-Michael Key) who brings him to Peach, deep in the middle of her war strategy. Stunned at seeing another human (they do get into this), she decides to enlist his help in convincing King Cranky Kong (Fred Armisen doing a Larry David impression) and his son Donkey Kong (Seth Rogen) to lend their army’s strength to fend off Bowser and his minions.

The plot does not stray too far from the classic Mario structure, though it’s a relief Peach isn’t the one getting kidnapped again. Unfortunately, this does lead to Luigi spending most of the movie offscreen in a cage, a disappointing choice for something with ‘Bros’ in the title. The film does a good job of establishing the brothers’ bond, but Mario spends more time with Donkey Kong than Luigi and he doesn’t actually meet Bowser until the climax. The film is a brisk 92 minutes, so I know there’s not room to do everything, but it felt weird to not have Mario and Bowser at least lock eyes once.
Whenever the camera created the illusion of Mario navigating a 2D space, jumping over barrels and bouncing off platforms, I felt the same way I did when watching The Last of Us: why aren’t I just playing the game? Why just remake the game wholesale? The kart sequence felt too cute by half, but I suppose there’s no getting out of a Mario movie without them. I’ll say again: the movie is pretty much okay! But audiences are so starved for any semblance of quality that this thing could make Finding Nemo money. Our IMAX screening was packed to the gills, people cheering at every character reveal or classic gaming moment recreated with French-produced computer animation. While I’m happy to defend some video games as art, especially their music (there’s no way to not feel everything when Mario’s score kicks in), I don’t think I can do the same for a film this corporately micromanaged. As an eldest sibling, I’m used to playing video games, not watching them.
The Super Mario Bros. Movie
2023
Dir. Aaron Horvath & Michael Jelenic
92 min
Now playing in theaters everywhere (though, as always, the Hassle recommends seeking out a locally-owned multiplex)