A couple weeks ago I finally sat down to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, having ignored it in theaters because it was not directed by Steven Spielberg or written by George Lucas. I was right to do so, but I was still curious to see how it turned out. What was proved beyond a shadow of a doubt was that Disney is now so divorced from good filmmaking that a return to form seems all but impossible. Lousy CGI de-aging, languid pacing, crappy green screen, actors reading lines like hostages, an abrupt and clearly reshot ending… it’s got everything! This is the modern Disney film, and audiences are not falling for it anymore. I bring this up because The Marvels, while cute and light, has the exact same issues, to the point of uncanniness. The film simulates being satisfying, but is just off the mark. The Marvel machine is starting to collapse, and a “small” film that still costs over $200 million just isn’t an option anymore. And I feel great about it!

Carol Danvers (Brie Larson) is the intergalactic hero Captain Marvel, flying around the galaxy helping those in need while avoiding the life she left behind on Earth. Her niece (daughter if these movies weren’t made by cowards), Monica Rambeau (Teyonah Parris), hasn’t seen her for decades, but has become a hero in her own right with pretty nice phasing powers. Did you watch the show she’s in? It was a while ago. Meanwhile, a Jersey girl named Kamala Khan (Iman Vellani) doodles Captain Marvel self-insert fanfic while avoiding her homework. She’s a hero too, having recently saved Jersey City after developing mutant abilities enhanced by a magic bracelet. Did you watch the TV show? No? That’s fine; they catch you up pretty quickly. Not elegantly, but enough. One day, a Kree named Dar-Benn discovers the other magic bracelet in space, giving her the ability to open wormholes and rain destruction on various planets. These wormholes also entangle the powers of Carol, Monica, and Kamala, causing them to swap places whenever they light up their fists or whatever. To stop Dar-Benn’s plot, they’ll have to team up and figure out what’s going on together.

Who the hell cares! Things culminate in another “close the portal” moment with zero self-awareness. The fans, not that I care about them, are going to be mad because this movie “doesn’t matter,” and general audiences will just not see it. Marvel has trained their audiences into thinking every movie has to have world-changing ramifications. There is no room for fun or light character humor. It’s unfortunate that this film directed by a Black woman, starring three women, is going to be one of the final nails in the coffin of this whole thing, but those are the limits of representation. I will say that the actors, especially Iman Vellani, are mostly innocent. They do what they can with what they’re given; they’re just as trapped as the American public. People think they have to do homework to watch these things. I feel bad for them!

I said this after Black Adam. I said this after Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania. I’ll say it now. This has to stop. Disney is stuck on this track for the next two years at least, but they’ve destroyed the lower rungs that could rebuild. Why is the man who directed Up in charge of all of Pixar? He doesn’t want to do that! Disney’s long war against its own employees and talent might finally do it in. And I’ll watch it burn.

You don’t need to see this movie. Don’t worry about it.