I have dreamed about the Conan O’Brien arthouse film debut for years now, listening to him rattle off film knowledge in various skits and interviews, absorbing his theatrical, layered bits with wonder and awe. O’Brien in an audacious, stunning, and intoxicating masterpiece of existential cinema was more than anything I could have dreamed. Mary Bronstein’s If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is about a lot more than Conan O’Brien, of course, but it was the impetus for my roiling expectations, which were brilliantly exceeded. 

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is a psychological thriller and existential family drama rife with so much pure, overwhelming feeling and energy that I could only scribble notes in bits and fragments into my notes app after the movie; my body was glued to my seat for the entire runtime. Even the woman in the row in front of me frequently checking her phone didn’t take me out of the experience. Linda (Rose Byrne) traverses through work as a therapist, appointments and care for her daughter’s mysterious illness, and the strange hole in the ceiling of her apartment with a frenzied intensity that draws inevitable comparisons to Adam Sandler’s Howie in Uncut Gems. But apart from the constant stress that both films plunge audiences into, the stakes of Linda’s stressors are more terrifying in the abstract. 

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is about the overwhelming feeling of these responsibilities and pressures, not necessarily the threat of specific consequence, but the all-consuming fear that looms presently over Linda’s life. Bronstein’s direction utilizes the film format skillfully and emphatically, incorporating elements of thriller, body horror, and magical realism throughout. O’Brien’s dramatic turn as Linda’s therapist is incredible; it’s initially jarring to see him without his signature goofiness and instead a stern demeanor. He provides the film’s one genuine moment of levity, humorless still, but with a subtle kindness that feels inevitable from him. The film is stunningly original, the rawer and unfinished aspects only adding a mysterious edge to the narrative, an upending of reality that laces itself through Linda’s experiences. The only proper comparison I can make for the film is to that of Charli xcx’s “365,” a song about powerful, all-consuming feelings that build and build with intensity. 

With audacious originality and directorial fearlessness, If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is the kind of film that makes me optimistic about our current cinematic landscape. The film is fresh at every turn, from an unfriendly Conan O’Brien to existential visual motifs, an expanse of vivid colors, and sound design that further raises audience stress levels. All of this hinges on Byrne’s performance, which channels the rage and exhaustion of Linda with brilliant authenticity, with brief moments of humor and irony, which can shift instantly into terror and anger. Byrne gives one of the absolute best performances of the year; Bronstein’s vision is immense and risky, and it succeeds because of Byrne’s leading performance. I can’t, in good conscience, recommend a movie this overwhelming and painfully intense to everyone, but for those with the will to spend two hours holding your breath, and feeling an anxious and all-consuming weight on your chest, If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is a must-see, it’s the existential cinematic event of the year. Let the constant horrors of Linda’s life wash over you, and take a deep breath afterwards. 

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You
2025
dir. Mary Bronstein
113 min.

Now playing @ Coolidge Corner Theatre & AMC Boston Common.