2020 Year Enders

HOW YOU WOULD HAVE SPENT 2020 NYE HOROSCOPE (If it Weren’t for COVID)

by

*DISCLAIMER: I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ASTROLOGY*

*DISCLAIMER II: I AM AN ARIES*

ARIES: You show up early to a lame party and get tired because you woke up early for work NYE morning. After a few seltzers, nonalcoholic, you don’t drink remember, you spend the ball drop in an Uber listening to the driver carry on a conversation with someone in a foreign language you can’t quite discern.

TAURUS: You end up at a party where everyone looks 5-10 years younger than you. A 19-year-old drinks too much and vomits on your shoes. You spend midnight in the ER waiting room with a drunk stranger covered in vomit reading Time Magazine because your phone died.

GEMINI: You actually had an amazing night. You chose the perfect party to go to. Either you are with a romantic partner or you have an amazing and lengthy conversation with a beautiful stranger where you seamlessly follow them on Instagram, thus ensuring communication without the ask or creepiness. Congrats, this alternate future would have been dope for you.

SAGITTARIUS: You ate way too many sweets over Christmas Break. That and your previously dormant IBS is giving you diarrhea and is gluing your ass to the toilet seat for the past 48 hours. You spend the ball drop scrolling Instagram.

CAPRICORN: You go to a basement show and drink way too many PBR’s and spend midnight in the bathroom line. You suddenly realize that you’re in your thirties and not only is this night similar to a lot of other nights that would have happened this year, but you were standing in this exact spot in 2017 when the ball dropped. ‘What are you doing with your life?’ recurs in your head while you pee for five minutes.

LEO: You go to a rave and stay up to see the sunrise. You try to remember what you were doing when the clock turned to midnight but you realize you were mid-peak by then so you could have been doing anything.

LIBRA: You’re straight edge so you and your straight-edge friends go to IHOP and eat way too many pancakes and have too much coffee. A blast…

VIRGO: You spend the ball drop with your greasy dog watching classic movie reruns on AMC in your mom’s basement. You’re out of touch, I’m sorry.

CANCER: You are having a beautiful night at your beautiful home with your lovely significant other and your wonderful well-mannered pets. But then someone makes a rude comment on your pet’s instagram account and your partner spends the ball drop coaching you how to own lib-tards on the internet. Oh wait, you actually did this last night. Congrats, I hope you burn in hell.

PISCES: You consciously stay home because you do not believe in the Gregorian Calendar and arbitrary holidays or traditions. You also have no friends and may have some unresolved PTSD from that NYE when you were a kid. Might want to get that checked out.

AQUARIUS: You are in bed by 10 pm. You have work in the morning even though it is a federal holiday. Capitalism sucks but you can’t care because you have work in the morning.

SCORPIO: You somehow manage to get into a party that is way out of your class range, but that’s okay because you spent 5 hours getting ready. You show up to the party at 11:30 when everyone there is already wasted. Your friend that you planned on meeting there ‘just left with this sexy man’ and now a bunch of men with wedding rings are staring at you. You do a bump of coke, remember how much you hate it, and go home to your pint of Ben and Jerry’s Americone Dream. You somehow manage not to cry.

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Chris Hues is a human & writer from Boston, Ma & Associate Editor of bostonhassle.com. //// They can be reached at [email protected] or @crsjh_ via instagram & twitter.

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