DIRECTOR/WRITER TOM HUANG (L) AND ALLY MAKI (R)
If there was a phone call that would make me freeze in my spot, it would be hearing that my mom won’t leave her bed (or rather, she chooses not to). My mom, who operates on a 4 AM-11PM schedule even on holidays, has been busy since I can remember. If I ever hear that my mom is sitting around, then I know something is wrong. In Tom Huang’s comical Dealing with Dad, the tyrannical patriarch of a Chinese immigrant family develops a depression once he is let go from his job. Margaret (Ally Maki), the middle sibling of three, is concerned about her dad (Dana Lee), who had once called her a prostitute during Thanksgiving dinner, lying in bed watching The View. The other two siblings, Roy (Peter Kim) and Larry (Hayden Szeto), are not as pressed; in fact, it seems like living with their depressed father allows peace and store-bought pastries to reside in their childhood house. But how do they fix this? Should they? In an interview with Huang, who has been directing, writing, and acting since 1999’s debut Freshmen to 2018’s acclaimed Find Me, we discussed the difficulties of parental love from an immigrant family.
The conversation has been edited for flow and clarity.
BOSTON HASSLE: I first saw the movie without reading about it. When I was doing background research afterwards, I saw the tagline on the poster – “What if your dad was nicer depressed than well?” I thought it was funny because if I had seen that first, I would have thought this movie was about scheming a way to make your dad sad. Suffice to say, the movie is pleasantly larger than that. Was this tagline based on a real-life experience?
TOM HUANG: Yeah, absolutely. The film was based on my own experience trying to get my dad out of depression, which took about eight years. Part of the reason was that I was younger when it happened and was understanding what depression was. It was also trying to convince his friends and family that this is a disease and not just an emotion. In a lot of immigrant and working class families, depression is considered a weakness as opposed to something that should be treated. It took a while to get people to understand that, but once they did, he got a lot of support and we were able to get him on the road to recovery.
My dad isn’t quite the jerk that the dad is in this film, but he’s definitely always been a very strict dad who was more interested in making sure I was successful in life instead of getting to know me. I found that when he got depressed, that strict veneer melted away and he started talking about things he’d never told before. It’s kinda weird that I got closer to him because of depression. As soon as he got better, things sorta went back to normal again (laughs), but it showed me a side of my dad that I was not aware of.
BH: You mentioned that it happened for eight years. How old were you when it first began?
TH: It began when I was in my second or third year in college. I came home for spring break and I found him sitting in his chair, watching Oprah Winfrey. I asked my mom what was going on with him and my mom said, “He’s a little sad, he’s fine.” I said, “He’s watching Oprah Winfrey, that’s not normal for him.” I think that’s probably another reason it took longer to realize, since I was going back and forth from school and not being able to be there for a sustained amount of time to help with it.
BH: It was nice that you developed these siblings so that we can get to know them, what they’re going through, and how they converse with each other, which became an enjoyable parallel plot to the central situation. How did you go about writing the characters?
TH: When I first wrote the script, it was going to be about a Chinese American male, such as myself, dealing with a depressed dad. But as I was writing it, I realized that it’d be ten times more interesting if the character was female because of all the shit that Chinese daughters have to put up with, especially in Chinese immigrant families. I also have always been interested in sibling order and how it can shape your life. I built these characters around the simple classic order — eldest, middle, and youngest child — which helped develop what their personalities would be. The characters are a little bit of me, though I’d say Margaret more so. All of these characters are based on people that I know, like friends and families. I enjoy hanging out with my cousins and brother. We can spend hours sitting around having conversations and razzing each other in a loving way. I built conversations around what it’s like during a holiday dinner or when everyone comes together at a Chinese restaurant.
What also helped was the chemistry between the actors. Ally Maki and Hayden Szeto are actually really good friends. When I told Ally that I was trying to cast Hayden as Larry, she’s like, “We always wanted to do a film together!” Peter Kim is also just one of the nicest and funniest guys I know. As soon as they got together, they hit it off. In addition, we filmed during intense COVID regulations, so we rented out an AirBnB for a couple of weeks and we all stayed together. It felt like summer camp.
L TO R: Peter Kim (Roy), Ally Maki (Margaret), Hayden Szeto (Larry)
BH: The chemistry and the quips between the siblings were so convincing. Did the cast also collaborate with you on any of the dialogue or character quirks?
TH: Absolutely. I was looking for actors that were funny, because I think it’s harder to find a dramatic actor who knows how to be funny than a funny actor who can be dramatic. We had all of these actors, not only the three siblings, but the parents, the side characters played by Karan Soni, Echo Kellum, and Megan Gailey. I recognize that they had a lot to give them as far as their own quirks and funny lines. I told them, “I want you guys to know that if you have something that comes out organically that doesn’t take us too far of a tangent, just go with it.” I’d say about 20% of the funny or hard-hitting lines came from them riffing from the script.
BH: I have to say, I thought Cai Shi was especially perfectly costumed and cast. I can’t explain it, but she definitely nailed the role of an older lady who came straight from Beijing.
TH: I believe the actress who plays her, Peggy Lu, is an immigrant from China. She’s really great and has done well for herself acting in the US. The woman is incredibly funny and she would crack us up on set. I had to cut a bunch of stuff that she gave us because there was a lot. She definitely knew and recognized this character well.
BH: I think I also wanted to secretly hear that Ally Maki is a Rubik’s Cube master.
TH: She’s not, but I had two people on set who were masters. They showed her how to do it, how to flip it with one finger, and solved a couple of cubes for her. It was cool because she was able to pick up on those things and to me, it felt like she knew what she was doing.
BH: That also speaks to her character as well, like in the beginning of the movie during that PTA conference where Margaret was able to problem-solve and organize on the spot.
TH: I wanted to show people who this person was in the first five minutes so that we wouldn’t have to put that later on. Margaret is a person that needs control and feels like she has some order in her life, which is where the Rubik’s Cube comes in.
BH: We touched upon the writing process, but I wanted to talk especially about Margaret’s speech to her dad towards the end. It was such a moment of catharsis, even though it’s uncomfortable for both characters. How did you go about writing that one in particular?
TH: I really leaned on my experience with my dad. There was a point where my dad had relapsed and stopped taking his medication and didn’t listen to my mom. I was still in school, so I actually wrote him a letter with a lot of the same things that Margaret said to her dad in hopes of reaching that logical part of himself. I didn’t know if it’d work or not, but he eventually started his medication again.
I wanted something compelling. Everyone finally made her realize that he would actually listen to her even though she was her greatest adversary and that the way he shows respect is being mean to her and expecting more out of her. With that in mind, I wanted her to feel more confident about telling her own feelings. The other thing was that he was depressed. If he wasn’t, he probably would have walked away or yelled at her. This was an opportunity for her to let loose her feelings and get this stuff out that she’s held for so long.
L TO R: Ally Maki and Peter Kim
BH: Since this happened with your dad when you were in college, I was wondering if the movie would be different if you had approached the story at a different stage in your life.
TH: If I were younger, like in high school, I think I would have been less proactive about doing something about it. I was just concerned about my own life and maybe not wise enough to approach it. If I had been older like Margaret’s age, it would have been easier to be proactive about it and find a way to attack it.
When I was in college, I was unsure if there was anything I could do. I think it’s difficult for a lot of people, especially when you have parents that are very independent and strong-minded. You’re used to having them take care of themselves because they don’t want your help. It’s easier not to do anything because that’s what you’re used to and they’ll figure it out.
BH: The idea of breaking the cycle of generational trauma is brought up in this movie. I personally think people have a hard time approaching the idea because they’re stuck between knowing what’s wrong to do to another person and then also having this mindset of “Well, this happened to me and I made it out stronger.” I was wondering what breaking the cycle means to you.
TH: That’s what this film was more about. The background of the film was depression, but the film’s about Margaret trying to figure out what her relationship with her father is. She feels like she needs to have this relationship with her parents, but she doesn’t know what to do or how to make this work, or if she should even do that. She can just go back to her own life and family and ignore it. In college, I had a complicated relationship with my parents, partially because of generational things. But I realized that if I was gonna have a relationship with my parents, I was going to have to change because they weren’t. I had to be the bigger person and not take this stuff that they bring on to me personally. As painful as it is, this is their way of showing love. Once I let go of being angry with them, it was a lot easier for me to reach out to them and somewhat be the son that I wanted to be.
Dealing with Dad
2022
dir. Tom Huang
106 mins
Part of the 2022 Boston Asian American Film Festival. DEALING WITH DAD will be playing on the opening night at the Brattle Theater on Thursday, October 20 at 7PM. Director/writer Tom Huang will be in-person for a Q&A after the screening.
