Aries March 21 – April 19:

We get it, Queenie, you’re number one and you like it your way. But life isn’t a freaking McDonald’s and neither is your boyfriend Larry. Even though he works at one, 3rd shift in Revere.  Get over yourself already. Frankly, Larry is sick of it. This month will prove to be quite challenging if you don’t TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.

Taurus April 20 – May 20:

Your sign might be a bull, but your anatomy says otherwise. Make up for your shortcomings by kicking politeness to the curb. You don’t need a big dick to boss the peasants around. If someone gets in your way, mow them down! If someone tells you to shut up, scream louder! The planets are aligned in your favor. They’re chanting your name. You also look great in that top. Can we borrow it?

Gemini May 21-June 20:

You have an extra amount of energy this month. Beware stimulants- it might be a great time to rethink that meth habit. It may be the meth or it’s the fact the sun is finally out. You’re bouncing off the wall and don’t know what to do with yourself. Being an absolute slut is a good solution along with a membership at Soulcycle in Back Bay.

Cancer June 21- July 22:

The Moon is your ruling planet and I’m not talking about “Hairy” Henry who periodically moons passengers by spreading his cheeks against the plexiglass windows on the Red Line. Let the full moon guide you in a new direction. Savers, that great thrift store, in West Roxbury is having a sale and you should go there. It’s BOGO on hats and undies. Search your soul through piles of used lingerie until you find what you’re really looking for: A pink poly-cotton blend bra that doesn’t chafe your nipples. You’ll thank us later.

Leo July 23 – August 22:

Springtime is a time of rebirth and new beginnings. Make sure to refill your birth control!  It’s a wild world out there, and Plan B is too expensive.

Virgo – August 23- September 22:

You’re constantly wanting what you can’t have, which leads to spiritual unrest. The extreme cleanses and pilates classes are leaving you unfulfilled. We know you’re only trying to impress Devon, that works at that organic cafe on Huntington Ave. You don’t need to be a psychic (like us) to know he’s gayer than a miniature pig watching a Gilmore Girls marathon.

Libra – September 23- October 22:

Your scales have never been so uneven. It could be your recent Food Wall addiction (the best Chinese food in Jamaica Plain) or it’s your imagination. In a time of unbalance, try to find something that will realign your senses and bring you inner peace. Roller skating and watching The Fugitive usually does the trick.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21:

Your intensity is a feverish mess, little arachnid. You think your hot sh*t, but remember your just an ugly spider with awkward hands and a freaky tail. NO one likes you! So stop crawling around in our boots and freaking us out.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21:

We know you are a centaur but please stop trying to always be the CENTAUR OF ATTENTION. Take this as a personal challenge to give back to others and the community this month. I hear the Boston Hassle needs volunteers. Maybe start there.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19:

You are a goddamn goat so stop acting like a sheep. Stop listening to whatever Becky says and stand up for yourself! NO, you don’t want to go to a new little tapas place down in Beacon Hill. Becky can go screw herself- you always leave that place hungry, angry, and alone. Screw Becky. SCREW BECKY!

Aquarius Jan. 20- Feb 18

This month is for slowing down and self-reflection. Take a long hard look at yourself. It’s probably not pretty. Covering your mirror in vaseline will give you a softer reflection. This might make it easier to cope with how awful you’ve been. Light a candle and make a wish.  You’re gonna need it.

Pisces Feb 19 – March 20:

You’re swimming against a challenging tide. Contrary to popular belief, you can totally swim at Carson Beach. While coming up against life’s crashing waves of doom try to keep yourself afloat using your inner strength. It’s a struggle but We bet you can tread water for at least 20 mins. That’s plenty of time to figure out what to do with your life.