Aries
March 21 – April 19
Recent events may have gotten you down. Sorry about Aunt Trudy and that unfortunate blender incident… but we know it’s really more than that. So, find out who really caused you this pain and set their house on fire. If you cannot find their house, their place of employment will do. The crazier you are, the more they will listen. Being rational is a thing of the past. Soon your spirits will be lifted. Good luck.
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You are at a crossroads in your life. More like Thelma and Louise, not the 2002 Britney Spears movie. Get in your car and drive as fast as you can. Stop signs are a mere suggestion. Same with red lights. Trust us- we are legally licensed, witches. As you’re cruising, let your emotional troubles fly out the window along with your parking tickets. Soon the answer to your problems will present itself to you. Watch out for pedestrians and bikers.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
It’s time to slow down, Gemini. You are being a real Bitch. People in your life feel like they are being left behind while you pursue your dreams. Make yourself miserable by no longer caring about the goals you want to achieve. Impress your loved ones by going into a deep sadness. Hey, at least you’re around!
Cancer
June 21- July 22
This month is a struggle because you feel like your partner is not listening to you. Maybe you’re just too loud and have too many feelings. NO one likes you Cancer. Or you might just want to check if they have headphones in. They are really small and kind of hard to see these days. Or just shut up, Cancer.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Things have been hard for you this month and your path has felt uneven. Have you been walking on cobblestone in heels again? If so, try a softer shoe and walk with confidence. But not flats! No one likes a bitch in flats. Your life will become easier and your calves less swollen.
Virgo
August 23- September 22
Your Virgo spirit makes it hard for you to ask for help. Spiral so far out of control that others will have no choice but to come to your aid. Start by being as self-destructive as possible. No action is too small. We suggest using fire, though you are an earth sign. You can’t ask for help while screaming into the void so let others come to you.
Libra
September 23- October 22
Your relationships have felt strained, and at times you’ve on the verge of possible breakups. Just remember a relationship is over only when you think it’s over. Look up into the stars and scream their name. If the stars happen to be right outside their door that’s okay too. Be gentle with yourself.
Scorpio
October 23- November 21
No fortune. We don’t want to think about you since your behavior last Tuesday. You’re the worst.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
“I’m a Sagittarius, the most philosophical of all the signs. But anyway, I don’t believe in it. I think its a bunch of bullshit myself… But I’ll tell you this man, I tell you this: I’m gonna get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames” — Jim Morrison
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You’re feeling like you’ve never felt before and your emotional spirits are lifted. What is happiness? Please tell us? It can’t be real? Your “happiness” is contagious and others love to be around you. Are you smoking a new kind of weed? If so let us know and share. Continue on your happy journey.
Aquarius
Jan. 20- Feb 18
Listen. Your body is a temple, not the dumpster behind the Blanchard’s parking lot. So stop filling it with Pabst Blue Ribbon and vegan gender study majors that work at Wholefoods. Take a moment to breathe and ask yourself, “What am I doing to help myself?” Self-care is important, so indulge. This month is for YOU. Masturbate 3 – 5 times daily and you should be realigned.
Pisces
Feb 19 – March 20
Fish usually smell in the heat, Pisces, so for once thank the heavens it’s winter. But remember spring is around the corner, so make haste. Find someone fast. Who cares about Mr. Right, you want Mr. Uglierthanmesohethinksimhotand
