Aries

March 21 – April 19

You’ve felt out of wack the past couple weeks. You’ve taken up eating yogurt and tuna fish sandwiches on the 39 bus. Let us be the ones to point out you’re acting like a goddamn psycho. Stop eating on the bus.  You are the God of War, not a nasty peasant. Also the universe will show you subtle signs to follow your new path. But again, please, please stop eating fish on the bus.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Spring has sprung, Taurus, and you are ready for a new day. Maybe it’s that new vinegar douche or perhaps it’s that you’re finally seeing the sun, but you feel cleansed both internally and spiritually. This month is a renewal month for you. Which reminds me- your free HBO subscription is now up.

Gemini

May 21-June 20

This may be a challenging month for you, sorry! You know the saying, “when you get lemons to make lemonade?” That’s all well and good but what if you get killer heartburn? Make something different and head down the road to enlightenment minus the pocket full of Tums.

Cancer

June 21- July 22

It’s time to reap the benefits of all your hard work. Max out your credit card and begin a fast decline into crippling debt. If you don’t open the bill did you really get it? Let the universe guide you and you will be the wiser.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Some have begun to view your fiery passion and fierceness as full-on lunacy. They’re probably just jealous of how good you look in those jeans. Listen to your gut even if you think it’s upset. Ginger ale and a full moon are known to clear up any problems.

Virgo

August 23- September 22

The moon is out and you’re love life is out of control. You’re going through condoms like they’re going out of style. In some places, they are going out of style so now is the time to stock up. Start hoarding contraceptive for it will be the new currency.

Libra

September 23- October 22

It’s time to let your hair down, Libra, and take a breath. Tangles are a bitch, but damn… letting that hair flow feels good. Be open to the process (whatever that means) and just do it. Let your instincts guide you unless it’s telling you to take 93 South.  If so, don’t listen.

Scorpio

October 23- November 21

Lately, you’ve been challenged by your peers for your actions. It’s time to go full-on psycho and show everyone who’s really boss. Sabotage is your sword and you are bloodthirsty. Also, are you drinking enough water?

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

More like Saggy-Terrorist. You’ve put on a few pounds this month and you’ve been taking it out on everyone around. Listen, we know watching your body change is a jarring experience, but we think you look good. Embrace that extra cushion. #bodypositive

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your roommate is listening to that Lilth Fair compilation again and you feel personally attacked. Confrontation is not your strong suit, but you must dig deep to find compassion. Tell her how strong she was to finally leave Denise and ask them what other cd’s they have. Start the conversation with reading their Yonic sister cycle and all will be forgiven.

Aquarius

Jan. 20- Feb 18

Listen, little witch, we know Game of Thrones didn’t go as you would have liked. But it’s just a goddamn TV show. The spirits are asking us to tell you to stop posting all your angry internet memes. Also please stay away from Twitter this month. No one should use Twitter. There are no pictures, and we are sick of all the angry rants! Please bury a quartz stone and pray to the West.

Pisces

Feb 19 – Mar 20

You’ve been a real greedy fish lately. You’ve been swimming through everybody’s pond. We don’t shame your behavior, little minnow. The spirits encourage you to touch the world but remember to wrap it up or your fins will fall off.