March 21 – April 19
You’re feeling incredibly inspired this month. Whether it’s writing, painting, ballet, witchcraft, catfishing, or music, you are dabbling in it all. Your roommates are also wondering if you’d be inspired enough to pay your portion of the rent and bill, asshole? Live your bliss.
April 20 – May 20
Taurus, we know you’re stubborn but it’s time to shake things up. Quit that job you hate (no one likes you there anyways), dump that partner (she hates you too) and really just set your personal life on fire (beware real fire). Nothing says fresh start like heartache and unemployment! The phoenix rises from the ashes (is that true?) so there’s no reason you can’t as well. Good luck and remember to sign up for unemployment.
May 21-June 20
While sitting in traffic on Storrow Drive, you begin to think about life, and you think about death, and you realize neither one really appeals to you. ”Is this really what I’m doing with my life?” The daily grind is wearing you down and you’re about to abandon your car á la Michael Douglas in Falling Down. It’s time for a change. Stop listening to The Smiths radio on Spotify (we suggest some real powerful VHS 1 Diva shit,) and remember– you can only change your own life! PS: Try not to rear-end anyone.
June 21- July 22
It’s in your nature to be moody, Cancer, but this month we’re telling you to tone it down. (I feel like we say this every month?) You’re driving everyone at work nuts and truthfully your moodiness is doing no favors for your elevens. Take this time to chill the fuck out. Maybe have a glass (or bottle) of wine and lay in bed and turn on the new “Dark Crystal” series on Netflix. If those adorable Podling puppets don’t cheer you up then you really are a helpless miserable bitch like everyone’s been saying.
July 23 – August 22
The summer is ending, but have no fear– you’re still on fire, Leo. Nothing makes you hotter than the emergence of denim and leather that comes with Fall. Yes, your senses are being attacked by pumpkin spice, but you are in a Tom Of Finland haze so you don’t seem to mind. Forget apple-picking. You are all about those apple bottoms in those tight jeans. This month is about self-indulgence, so enjoy, Leo. You’ve earned it.
August 23- September 22
You’re essentially living in a later-season episode of 90210 (but not like “The CW” new.) Which means bad haircuts, an unrecognizable cast, overacting, and a whole lot of useless drama. It’s time to step away from all that noise and throw that frosted lip gloss aside. This month try to surround yourself with like-minded individuals who like you for you. Yes, you are a horrible person, so maybe try not to be? Are you a Kelly or Brenda? Only you can decide.
September 23- October 22
You’re constantly frustrated by your male coworker getting credit for all your hard work and ideas. You’ve tried speaking up but your words are being brushed aside. It’s time to call out of work and set the building on fire. Left Eye Lopes that place. Yes, it’s hard to hear over fire sirens and hoses, but sometimes actions speak louder than words. It’s time to make a statement. They’ll thank or arrest you later.
October 23- November 21
You’re a bad bitch that can’t be stopped. You are sickened at how good you look in those new jeans (did you get them at 40 South?) This month, take some of your confidence and smear it around. A good attitude is contagious, kind of like all those STDs you’re trying to avoid (it’s those jeans man). Go out into the world and be the bitch people only dream of being. Your lucky color is blood red. And damn girl, those jeans.
November 22 – December 21
Your life is a revolving door of one-night stands. Don’t get stuck in there– you’ll get dizzy, stupid. While most of the sex is good, you are having trouble keeping up with laundry (if only sheets cleaned themselves, am I right?) This month be adventurous and sleep with someone at their place. Unless they seem like a potential murderer. Be careful: Tell a friend where you’re going and enjoy someone else’s (hopefully) clean sheets!
December 22 – January 19
You are digging deep to find inner strength these days. We’re not talking about Kegel exercises, but we’re also not NOT saying that. Set aside some quiet time to reflect and stretch. I heard if you don’t use it you lose it and that goes for EVERYTHING.
Jan. 20- Feb 18
The hot butch at Diesel Cafe has become quite the diamond in the muff for you. They’re rarer to find these days. You’re shy, but you could also pretend to know a thing or two about cars and offer to help her with her pickup. Offer to look under her hood (however you want to read into that) and fake it ’til you make it. Yes, you might cut her brake cable, but what’s life without a little danger? P.S.: The brake cable was metaphorical. Please do not cause her physical harm.
Feb 19 – Mar 20
This month you are exhausted from getting so much random ass. You are a fish swimming through the murky legs of metro Boston, but we love and respect you. Keep swimming and beware of sparkly bait. Yes, they are attractive, but what do they have to offer except death? Good luck!
meet your mystics:
Mistress Crystal Ball aka Coco Roy is a local artist and musician. She has been a long time contributor to the compass and a even longer collaborator with Casey Spec.