March 21 – April 19
It’s a heatwave and your balls are literally sticking to your legs and it feels like a metaphor for your life. You are a moist, filthy, stinky, uncomfortable skin sack trying desperately to peel yourself off the walls of your ever closing-in life. You are in a rut with no solution and not a pinch of baby powder within arm’s reach. This month will prove to be a challenge, Aries, but it’s nothing you can’t handle. Brave these challenges with your head held high and for the love of Goddess put on some longer shorts.
April 20 – May 20
When life hands you lemons don’t make goddamn lemonade because it ALWAYS gives you heartburn. Instead takes those lemons and hurl them at the person that gave them to you. I hate that guy, and I guarantee it will feel better than how that acid water with sugar would have tasted. F*ck lemonade. You are a bull, Taurus! Have you ever seen a bull sipping lemonade? HAVE YOU? RIDICULOUS!
May 21 – June 20
Mercury is still in retrograde and your psycho ex-girlfriend has you on speed dial. This month is for new beginnings. Shed the past like you would your uterus lining and get on with it. Yes, both are painful but getting rid of extra baggage always feels good. You may bleed for a week but shove a rag in it and MOVE ON. This month your lucky color is blood red.
June 21- July 22
Summer is a time to breathe, according to my gynecologist, and I stand by her logic. It’s time to spread those legs and soar. A new love interest is on the horizon and you want to look and feel your best. Welcome them with open arms, legs, and heart and you will be gifted by multiple orgasms.
July 23 – August 22
This is your time to shine, Leo, and you are not wasting a single minute. This giant pussy needs to ROAR! The spirits warn: This is no time to tame your furry pink kayak, it’s time for you to dominate. Have you tried pegging?
August 23 – September 22
You are desperately seeking order, but right now your love life is stickier than the floor of the Drinking Fountain. You don’t know what to do. The Dyke Drama surpasses any L Word episode but you always find yourself coming back for more. Yes, Denise is hot (especially with her new Wiccan ankle tattoo) but do you really want to be processing in her pickup truck (again) for another six months? Don’t let your life be a Lisa Loeb B-side, change the station sister. Don’t “Stay.” Turn the radio on, turn the radio up, and find the woman who’s singing your song.
September 23 – October 22
You’ve worn out two vibrators this month and we applaud you, but also we must ask, are you staying hydrated? Self-love is really important but so is carpal tunnel prevention. Have fun, and stop buying your personal toys off Wish.
October 23 – November 21
Your butt is as popular as a Carvel ice cream cake on a hot day and everyone wants a piece. You are extremely desired by all, but some mistake your intense passion for love. However, all you really want is to get laid. Stock up on those free condoms from the Sydney Borum Clinic and let the lovers lay in your wake.
November 22 – December 21
It is no secret that you are on a continuous quest for knowledge but could you just please shut the f*ck up for a minute? Yes, we get that you’re going back to grad school for sociology after an undergrad at Northeastern for women’s lit with a minor in gender studies. We’ve all heard your damn resume. Some of us are just trying to get through the day. Take this time to channel this knowledge into practical use like proper tipping at restaurants and salons. The service industry thanks you in advance.
December 22 – January 19
Life just always seems to come up Capricorn. We are sick of it. Don’t think we didn’t notice my Dunkies girl Hannah slip you a free iced light and sweet and a few munchkins on the house. We hope you choke on your tiny bulbous delights. The spirits are telling us that life in the bubble will soon come to an end for you. Possibly a car accident, a ration of horrible acne, or maybe no more Dunks freebies. Beware, for your luck may be changing.
Jan. 20 – Feb 18
Your giant penis sandcastle wasn’t as well received as you had hoped. Now you are “that guy” walking down the Revere Beach boardwalk. We also all know you got Hep C from Joey at the clam shack, but seriously who hasn’t fallen victim to that? Anywho, always be true to yourself and walk with your head held high. But also, if you are on the boardwalk, pick up some of those onion rings and bring some back for us.
Feb 19 – Mar 20
You are constantly swimming between fantasy and reality. Being a flake isn’t as attractive to people as it was when you were in your twenties. Take this month to reconnect with friends you’ve been blowing off or forgetting to call back. Use those The Anna Nicole Show DVDs you got at Boomerangs as an olive branch to rekindle your relationship with Brenda. Nothing says “I miss you and want to spend quality time with you” more than watching Anna’s Christmas Special (the one where Cousin Shelly drunkenly takes on three people and Anna gives a touching retelling of Twas the Night Before Christmas). This month your lucky color is pickle green, Sugar Pie.