Masters of the Universe is an abhorrent movie. Poorly plotted, acted, and conceived on every level. It even commits the most egregious sin a fantasy story can take — the old “Here’s a cool alien world!. OK, now let’s transport these characters to Earth where and make them hang with boring teens!”

However, the movie is a complete blast. All thanks to one little rapscallion, that sly dog Gwildor.

Gwildor is a dwarf-like Thenurian — and a ripe one at that! — who is a great locksmith and inventor. He is a lovable oaf and crafter of Masters of the Universe‘s MacGuffin: THE COSMIC KEY. This is a magical musical instrument which can teleport users across realms of space and time.

I know. It’s a lot to swallow. But I ask you: Does that matter? Does anything matter when you have a character as good as Gwildor on your hands? Gwildor is simultaneously the Falstaff, the BB-8, and the Yoda of Masters of the Universe. A combination of archetypal traits that really must be seen to be believed. I would watch literally anything if Gwildor was in it. Even Amazon’s new series, Sneaky Pete.

Trust me. You will have a blast at this movie if you give yourself to Gwildor. Everything else will fall to the wayside.

It will no longer matter that super-genius Dolph Lundgren is playing He-Man. Nor will you care that Frank Langella is gosh-danged Skeletor!

No.

All Will Be Gwildor. All Will Be Good.

In lieu of a trailer here is something much more important:

Masters of the Universe
1987
dir. Gary Goddard
106 mins

Screens Friday, 6/30 at 11:59 pm @ Coolidge Corner Theatre. Part of the Coolidge’s After Midnite series.