Hey my trashy bros,

It’s me, Plastic. I’m filling in for Mel this month while she writes a punishing exposé, titled “How Do You Not Know This: Coffee Cups, Acrylic Nails, Paper Towels, and Other Things You Can’t Fucking Recycle.”

TBH, I was surprised she called. When Mel dumped me in 2013, I took it pretty hard. Who wouldn’t? She totally Judas’d me. First, she was shit-talking disposable plastic – refilling drinks in a canteen, carrying bamboo cutlery. Kinda dick, but, whatever. Then, she starts purchasing unpackaged groceries using jars and cotton bags. I mean, it’s cute and all, but I’m starting to think this chick is blowing me off. She even shuns canned food! Everyone knows me n’ my bro BPA line that shit. Sure, BPA is a chemical that may mimic estrogen, and has been linked to breast cancer and early puberty in women. And yea, when ingested, tasteless and odorless BPA can interfere with the reproductive and nervous systems as well as behavioral development, especially in infants. Whoop-dee-do, no one’s perfect. My bro BPA’s got some demons, but he’s not a bad dude.

So I’m still processing all this betrayal when, out of nowhere, Mel tries nixing new plastic entirely! Spandex, polyester… good luck finding a bra, bitch! She replaces tubes of toothpaste with this baking soda shit my grandma used in, like, 1687. Bro, I lost it. We were together 28 years and she never batted an eye! All of a sudden she’s too good for me?

Look, I admit it – I’m made of fossil fuels. And yea, every minute, every single day, a truckload of me enters our oceans. I’m virtually indestructible, collapsing ecosystems and fuxing with everyone’s health. But look at the crap I give you in return. Sub-Zero Diabetic Delight Lattes – would they taste as sweet in a reusable canteen? Doubt it. Do you really think you can give this up, even for a month? Ha. I’d like to see you try.